Cairo

Warning!! Long post ahead...but there are pretty pictures...Read at your own risk!!

I spent nearly a week in "the city of a thousand minarets," which a nickname I agree with, the calls to prayer sounding so close it is if they are being sung/screamed literally within your head most of the time. Although a more accurate nickname would be, "the city of a thousand crappy minaret speakers." You'd think with the billions of dollars America gives Egypt every year, they'd put a Radioshack in somewhere...

So, I arrived in Cairo by way of Royal Jordanian airlines (the only way to fly). I mean it, it is the only way to fly. Not only did I get to pick my exact seat, but I jokingly selected a gluten-free meal for the hour-long flight from Amman to Cairo...AND THEY ACTUALLY SERVED IT.

Delta airlines meal service seems a bit less hospitable...

So, after my $20 ride from the airport, which is apparently the standard rip-off rate in every country (except Israel, where it's $60 from the border to Jerusalem...no comment), I arrived at my friend's apartment on the island of Zamalek, on the Nile between Cairo proper and Giza.

I need to learn to use better editing software...

It was Eid, and Katie's apartment had the unique benefit of being located above a butcher shop. So I got to see this every morning...

Mmmm...fresh holiday entrails....

Zamalek is home to a lot of international students and ex-pats, and has most of the embassies there as well...

Oh Ethiopia...come on guys...

So it has a distinctly cosmopolitan flava. It also had some of the greatest views of the Nile I was never expecting to see.

Those are rentable apartments...ON THE NILE

It was very green. Here's a mosque. That's all I got.

Being a total Stargate nerd, I demanded that we had to see the pyramids (or alien landing pads, which is what the government doesn't want you to believe). I had been warned that the soliciting of tourists was going to be the worst there, but when an Egyptian man jumped onto the trunk of our taxi trying to get us to ride his camel, it took my friend Katie screaming Imshee!!! (basically telling him to f*ck off) to get him away. The taxi driver loved how badly the wee lass had emasculated him.

This kitten's got claws!

The pyramids do look pretty intense, and pictures don't do it justice. They rise out of the desert and look totally unlike anything I have ever seen...except for the other pyramids

Like this one...check out those fanny packs...


Ancient Egyptian God Ra decided to make an appearance

Always the rebellious rulebreaker...

I also got to run around other parts of Cairo...including:

Khan Al-Khalili

The biggest market/tourist rip off in Cairo. They had some nice hookahs though.

This is the entrance to Khan Al-Khalili. A bomb went off in this spot about a month later, killing one and injuring 17 tourists.

Downtown

Doesn't look like a third-world country...

Al-Azhar Park

Grant Park eat your heart out. This was all for ONE BAND. And they were BARELY DECENT.

This is probably the best picture I took on my entire trip.

I know it's all because of air pollution, but WE DID THAT. And its beautiful. And it will possibly kill our grandchildren.

To sum up Cairo would be best done in haiku form:

Cairo is way big
Twenty five million people
Too many children

These kids are Palestinian, but an Egyptian lad did lean out of a car with a toy AK-47 and "shot" me. It was pretty intense.

Lists

I got real nostalgic the other day, and this is what came out. Feel free to reminisce. Or comment on how emo I am.

Things I won't miss when I leave:

-The call to prayer
-Dirty taxis
-Crazy Palestinians
-Crazy Saudis
-Crazy Arabs in general
-Suicidal traffic
-Sexual harrassment/repression
-Non-hostile staring
-Hostile staring
-Slow-walking herds of hijab girls
-Deceitful taxi drivers
-Dust
-Trash
-Dusty cats in the trash
-Water tanks
-200% Import tax
-Nasserism
-The wasting of water in a desert country
-The mutant dog that lives downstairs

Things I'm not looking foward to returning to:

-Obamarama. Gag me.
-Daley's Chicago
-U of I (Champaign more than Urbana)
-10% sales tax in Chicago (wtf?)
-Being Jobless
-Being Broke
-Being the "gray bush"
-Asian girls (they are ALWAYS trouble...Teri...)
-Knee surgery...?
-Hangin up the gloves
-MTV
-VH1
-E!
-Anything related to Disney musicals (be they in high school or anywhere else)/American Idol/dancing like you think you can...? You know what I mean.
-Pop-genre tranquilizers for the minds of the mindless
-Being told to shut up
-Abdulkafi Albirini
-Naysayers
-Hypocrites
-Societal Pressure to be a sheep. Why not a camel?
-Manipulators
-Frenemies (the word, not the status)
-Greek Letters
-Plastics
-The Hills

This is starting to turn into a list of things I don't like in general...so here's some upbeat stuff.

Things I'll miss when I leave:

-Maglooba
-Freekah
-Fresh bread
-Non-preservative injected meat and produce
-Fresh Hummous
-Amstel as a domestic beer
-Readily available absinthe
-My Jordanian friends
-My American friends
-Bedouins
-Subtle, and purely unintentional (I think), hilarious racism
-The desert
-Being so close to 5000 years of history
-Aqaba
-Knowing everyone in the neighborhood
-Terrible Arabic music television
-Terrible Egyptian movies
-Being surrounded by Arabic
-English mistranslations on clothing and signs
-Cultural jamming
-The Khalda Kids
-The B Club
-Cocoa Mania
-King Hussein Mosque at night
-Footballmania
-Being an Ex-pat

Things I miss at home:

-You. Yes, you!
-Pretzels
-Kaukana spreadable cheese
-Bud Light
-Bears. Bulls. Sox. Hawks. Fire. Machine. Shamrox.
-Ruffles
-College Football (not the Illini...WESTERN MICHIGAN??!!?! SERIOUSLY)
-South Park
-It's Always Sunny in Philidelphia
-Bookstores
-Mexican Food
-Traffic Laws
-Trained Paramedics
-D.P. Dough
-Video Games (I heard GH4 is AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)
-Boobies
-PDA
-The 59. Always and forever.
-Sales tax under 26%
-Anything lacrosse related
-Driving
-Fall colors
-Gyros places (especially Patio Beef and Papa Chris Place)
-Watching business majors pee themselves over the economy (except Doug, cause he's the man)
-Economic Efficiency and work ethic on a grand scale. Seriously.
-A working hot shower
-Snow
-Road trips (sorry about that last one mom...)


Pretty much all the good stuff

King Abdullah II = BALLA

WARNING: This post is kinda nerdy, skip to the pictures if you don't feel like reading (i.e. you played lacrosse with me).

Necessary information: Jordan has a King, Queen, and Royal Family.

The current king of Jordan is King Abdullah II. His wife is Queen Raina, who was on an episode of Oprah a few years ago talking about women's rights in Islam. Every Jordanian in the country LOVES the royal family. Seriously. There are pictures of them hung everywhere, especially in people's homes, anything government related and in car windows.

This one was in a town of 5000 people. And its about the 5000th one I've seen.

Every place of business is required BY LAW to have a picture of the king in their office. This affection for state leaders is obviously not held as highly in America.

Something tells me this isn't an official wanted poster. Where is his height and weight?

Not so in Jordan. There are still pictures EVERYWHERE of the late King Hussein, and he died nine years ago. Jordanians are smitten with the Royal Family, almost as badly as Americans are smitten with which prescribed teen pop star is blowing rails off a toilet seat in which LA club bathroom.

Edgy. And definitely important.

And why wouldn't you rock pictures of the king when I found ones like THIS:

He's only a lieutenant medical officer in this picture (you're welcome Mom and Fox)

The Royal Family is afforded every luxury. All the land in Jordan belongs to them, and the people that live on this land are their loyal subjects. Think about that. The exact thing Americans ran away from in 1776 is flourishing here. WHOA! Also, they own several palaces, dozens of cars, airplanes, helicopters, and a fleet of motorcycles, some of which are on the Jordanian currency.

In Jordan, they have a Mach 99!

Rollin wit .50. Sorry I like this picture alot.

The king was leader of the Jordanian Special Forces, and routinely hunts (with guns, FALCONS!!!!, and probably his bare hands), rock climbs, dune buggys, stock car races, and is basically a total badass. Who wouldn't love this guy, he's as tough as Teddy Roosevelt and as cool as Han Solo.

King Abdullah Solo II- "She's the fastest hunk of junk in the desert!"

And Queen Raina is a total babe. Way hotter than Sarah Palin. Possibly because of the vast amount of cheap Syrian plastic surgery that is a trend for young Jordanian girls here!

BAM! I just went from six to midnight...

Almost every street in Jordan is named after a member of the royal family, so there may be several thousand.

...

Blah blah blah I'm bored of this family. Here's some pics of our halloween party:

Render unto Caesar that which is Caesar's. Including Cupid (that's a bow on my shoulder).
In the words of Alison: "Cute."

A menorah. In a muslim country. At a highly raucous halloween party. I think the inappropriate vortex opened up outside my apartment at this point.

We told our landlady we had a lot of people coming, to which she said she was ok with. 45 minutes before the party started, she told us she was expecting 8 partygoers. Whoops.

Jordanian Football

I decided in order not to be a total tubby-tutu I would participate in intramural indoor 5-on-5 football (soccer) here at the University of Jordan. For Team USA.

...

Needless to say, I had no idea what I was getting myself into.

When I moved into my apartment here, I met the landlady's son Yazin. He is 23 and supremely patriotic and westernized. I asked him about the local Jordanian football teams and if they were a big deal. His response (with a look of disgust and disbelief): "Of course, man. They are the only deal."

Fast forward to today. I get to the athletic complex for the Opening Ceremony. Yes, for intramural football. Luckily, being a patriot, I brought a full size American flag with me. So, Olympic-style, we walked out with the other teams we would be playing against and presented our flag in a formal ceremony. Here are the other teams in the league:

- Iraq
- Syria
- Somalia
- Lebanon
- Palestine
- Jordan
- Turkey

-America

Israeli support aside, at least my country has been responsible for loss of life in ONLY 3-4 of these countries, right? Silver lining.

I have never been booed harder in my life. Not even in high school CPS soccer games at schools like Prosser and Amundsen. Not at high school lacrosse games at Mather. Not even at Lindenwood.

Now, to be fair, I feel like it is trendy in this region to boo America and was not indicative of any actual wish to do harm to us jihadi-style or anything. The Lebanese team was openly nice to us, cheering in our section during our game and everything. They even taught our fans an Arabic football cheer, "No matter what you do, America shakes the world!" Fuck yeah!

Number 15 is about to shake up this kid's ankles.

There was only one guy who seemed vehemently against our team in the stands, but I feel like he was just playing to the crowd. Not that he even needed to. Somalia beat us in a clean game 10-1. I guess, in a sense, that whole Black Hawk Down incident was repaid a little today...

Our next game was the big one: America vs. Palestine. Jesus Christ, why don't we play Iraq, Nazi Germany, and Colonial Britain while we're at it...

The crowd for the game was insane. There were at least a dozen undercover secret police officers in the crowd, as well as campus security. Class was canceled so American students could cheer for our team. We already had a day to practice, as well as some new blood on the team, and we were feeling pretty confident. Then we saw the Palestinians warmup.

...

Three of their starting five play on either the PALESTINIAN or JORDANIAN NATIONAL TEAM. Unofficial odds put us as losing at least 15-0. We lost 9-2. The crowd went insane.

There is an 18% chance that this is a Team America goal...

We then played Syria and Lebanon, beating both teams in 4-1 and 3-1, respectively. The Syrians received surprisingly little support from the crowd. Unfortunately, our goal differential kept us out of the playoff bracket. But, our NGU (Never Give Up) attitude got us an article in the national paper! And a visit from the Lebanese Ambassador and other Lebanese dignitaries. FOR AN INTRAMURAL SOCCER GAME.

It really must be the only deal here...

This showing of fan appreciation was for the pre-game warmup...wow...

Reverse Arabic Lesson

I learned a few hilarious things today. Since Arabic is a Semetic language, obviously there are a few words that sound like English words and are totally nowhere near the English meanings. This ain't Spanish folks, you can't just guess that the word for information is "informacion" and wind up nailing it. Because in Arabic, you'd be totally wrong, and the word for information is "maloumat."

It has taken me three years and put gray hairs on my head (literally) to just start seeing patterns in the most basic of words. To put it another way, Arabic is ranked the third hardest language for English-speaking Americans to learn by the U.S. government, outranked only by Chinese and Korean. This jibberish ain't easy.

But today I will share with you the few linguistic crossovers that make this language worth learning. When swear words mean things.

English -> Arabic

What the fuck- I got the job

Goddammit- I filled out the application

---

There are taxi drivers in Amman that are probably amazed with the amount of employment American students are locking down these days.

Arabic -> English

Kuntu- I was

fuqut- only, that's it

---

These two (especially the last one) brought me hours of entertainment in Beginning Arabic I & II.

Meeting The General

The other week I had the pleasure of dining at my friend Ameerah's host parents house. To be frank, this is easily the nicest house I have ever been inside in my life. They are quite easily multi-millionaires (or millionaires x 1.4, thanks to the conversion rate). Their place is nicer than Black's house in Arizona. Nicer than the Highland's in Park Ridge. Almost as nice as Christina Loukas' house in Riverwoods, but they own the Cubby Bear.

Hey Cubs, did Steve Bartman make you lose this year too?

It's three stories, and they have their a fully stocked kitchen for each floor. The basement floor kitchen has living quarters for live-in cooks and housekeepers, which in Jordan's case means Egyptians or Philippinos (or in American terms, Mexicans). They have a rug that was once a living African leopard. PETA apparently has no pull in the third world.

Anyway, the coolest part is Ameerah's host dad, who we refer to as "The General." He held the second-highest rank in the Jordanian army (like a four-star general) and was the superior officer to the current King Abdullah II, who had to salute him and call him sir. He was close friends with the former King Hussein as well. He's like the Jordanian version of Eisenhower.

Not pictured: Production Value.

He lives in our Christian neighborhood and is an Evangelical Christian. He and his brother are currently building a gigantic church a few blocks away. Apparently it's fashionable to build megachurches as a rich Jordanian Christian, because half our neighborhood is involved in projects like this.

They held a fundraiser for the church and invited their family and friends (which in Jordan means at least 200 people) and raised 40,000 JD IN AN HOUR. That's $56,000, or $933 per minute. Sick.

His baller status doesn't end there. He has been to 45 countries, usually for diplomatic and military conferences. He was elected to Jordanian Parliament which is no easy feat in a corrupt, third-world country. It would be like getting elected in, oh, I don't know...America.

Not really relevant, I just thought it looked cool.

He also loves America, which is a trend I've been noticing among Jordanians that have actually been there. He gave me an awesome quote that I feel best sums America up, at least compared to Jordan: "America is a country for the man, where in most of the rest of the world, the man is for the country." And Europe is strict (unflexible) and rude. TREATED.

U-S-A! U-S-A!

Disturbing things I have seen

Here are a few things I have bore witness to since I have been here. These are bizarre by Jordanian standards, so therefore they are probably exponentially more bizarre for everyone in America.

- When staying in a legit Bedouin camp (4 tents in the middle of the desert an hour away from any town), a rogue camel decided to invade the camp in the middle of the night and tried to enter some fellow campers tent. The 60-year-old Bedouin camp owner then chased the camel into the desert in the dark, beating the piss out of it and kicking it in the butt.

- Seeing a grown man board a public bus holding a hacksaw.

- A group of 8-10 year olds yelling "MARAJUANA!" at a group of us walking down the street, then running away laughing hysterically.

- Seeing this:

Seriously.

-A gypsy camp less than a block away from my apartment. When I asked a neighbor about them, she said "Oh yes, if you go and talk to them, they will try to eat you."

-A perfect example of American cultural imperialism:

Wait for it...

Of course...

- Hearing Avril Lavigne over the sound system while lifting in the nicest health club in Amman (For those who remember parties at Studio 59 years ago, they were "He Wasn't" and "Things I'll Never Say"). Also: "Same Girl" by R. Kelly & Usher played today at a coffee shop I was at, and I almost exploded.


-This was in a shop window on Rainbow Street:

Brett Favre even haunts me and my Bears overseas.

-A bus driver with one eye.

-No fire hydrants ANYWHERE.

-This guy:

Workin' Hard. Or a possible ambulance.

-And this creepshow:

Hide your children!

Haram!

Look what we did:

We are the "kids" they refer to.

Hahahaha. Oops.

Southern Jordan, Petra

Day 3: Petra

Let me preface this by saying: Petra is too amazing to be understood in digital picture format. It's older than anything in the United States (300 BC). As for a little background you might understand: Do you remember Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade? The one with Sean Connery? Remember when Indiana is riding his horse through the valley at the end to find the temple with the Holy Grail in it? That's Petra.

You roll up to this hilly little town, very reminiscent of Tijuana, Mexico. The first thing I see walking up to the entrance is this...

Not Pictured: Intelligent Humor

After assembling our tour group, we learn that most of the buildings and other structures in Petra are either tombs for ancient Nebeteans or homes. So, being sentimental, I poured one out for my Nebetean brothaz.

One Love.

Then after seeing MORE GODDAMN CATS EVERYWHERE, we walked through the siiq (or crack) that Harrison Ford rode his horse through. It was pretty intense, as there was horsey landmines all over the place.

Charming.

After seeing some crazy carvings on the walls-

Yes, I am wearing Illinois Lacrosse gear. And my GWAR hat.

We saw the TEMPLE OF THE HOLY GRAIL (real name: the Treasury)

It smelled like pee pee. Weird.

So that was cool. We walked around the place some more and got hassled by every man, woman, and child for camel rides, donkey rides, horse rides, necklaces, bracelets, curvy daggers (they sucked, believe me I checked), postcards, even ROCKS. They would promise me everything was 1 JD, and after inquiring price would magically jump to 7 JD!

Literally 5 seconds after I took this, the baby ate a cigarette butt.

We walked around Petra all day, seeing all the different tombs, monasteries, theatres, caves, Byzantine churches, Roman ruins and all flavors of animal feces. The place is gigantic, and we didn't even see half of it in one day. I'll probably go back at some point, at least to see where Moses's brother Aaron is buried.

I got bored.

All in all, Petra is mindblowing. The only thing I had ever been too that ancient was the pyramid in Mexico, but that was never in AN INDIANA JONES MOVIE!!!

See me? I'm on the left.

That's the end for the weekend trip to southern Jordan. So after this its back to mediocre jingoist social commentary...

Southern Jordan, Aqaba

Day 2

Upon awakening, we ate breakfast and hopped into 4x4's to go across the desert and follow the Lawrence of Arabia trail. This unmarked desert path was the route Lawrence of Arabia took when he led the uprising in Aqaba, Jordan's port city on the Red Sea. It was pretty awesome, for being in a desert. All the once-in-a-lifetime sights start running together after a while, you know?

Wow, another mountain.

After 4 hours in the trucks, we arrived in Aqaba. Aqaba is now a resort town in Jordan, popular among Europeans (especially Portuguese for some reason). We got to go out on tour boats and snorkel among the Red Sea reefs while our boat captains blasted Arabic house music. I saw some cool fish, a submerged Army tank (WTF?), and got a lot of saltwater in my eyes.

The Aqaba coast

The flag of the Arab Revolt, which led to the founding of Jordan. Also is used as the Palestinian flag...no comment

After a few hours in the water, we went back to shore and drove north to Wadi Mussa (Moses Valley), to yet another Bedouin campsite in preparation for the next big day: Petra.