Tuesday, November 1, 2011

American Stereotypes 101: The Peace Corps Volunteer

Whoa! Sorry for the delay, I've been occupied teaching children how to read...Please forgive me.

This one has been a long time coming. The U.S. Peace Corps maintains only two programs in the Middle East-North Africa (MENA) region: one in Jordan, and one in Morocco.

Yes, a friend saw a woman take a kick in the groin in Morocco. At a concert. From a man. Which country would you pick?

As with all Peace Corps postings, the Volunteers are put into some of the more remote and conservative towns in the country. Far from capitol cities, shopping malls, and other forms of decadent Western diversions, these volunteers are tasked with a variety of programs. In Jordan, the programs focus on teaching English, Special Education initiatives, and other Good Stuff.

And true to form, they are some of the most socially "differently-abled" people you can meet in Jordan.

I don't know if it's the time spent in the village, the lack of reliable internet, water shortages, or something they brought to Jordan with them, but you'd be hard-pressed to find a group of people more cliquey and susceptible to Groupthink than this cadre of future weekend warriors.

I WISH they were like this!

Aside from tourist groups and the previously-mentioned study abroaders, you would be hard-pressed to find a larger group of people wandering all over Rainbow Street. And by Rainbow Street, I mean that's the only place you will find them. For kids that spend more than two years in the same country, you'd think they'd adventure past the mile-long stretch of expats, hip Jordanians, and other foreign revelers that is Amman's biggest tourist trap.

Not exactly Bourbon Street...

Being a Peace Corps Volunteer (or PCV) affords you some random privileges while here on assignment, like US Embassy Pool parties and occasional conferences in nice hotels, etc. But, there is also some equally random crappiness, like being snubbed by the former US Ambassador (twice), being unable to go to Aqaba due to a ridiculous State Department travel warning, and of course, non-stop marriage proposals and sexual harassment for female volunteers.


I can't underscore enough the respect I have for some of the volunteers. Like any volunteer commitment though, just because you signed up doesn't earn you a gold ribbon for participation. And like everything in life, for every Paul Rudd there is a Snooki. Some are completely worthless human beings. As a friend to several, and as a member of Couchsurfing (aka the creepiest of social experiments), the Peace Corps volunteers can sometimes be horrible houseguests, especially if they've spent "too much time in the village."

It is a bit unsettling, because one moment they will be telling you about their work with Jordanian youth centers, and in the next sentence they will be judging you for buying food at the expensive grocery store.


To be fair, my tortilla budget is out of control.

Their smug sense of superiority will leave you (their host) speechless. Even after you tell them you appreciate them, that you respect them, and you buy them a beer or six, all you receive in return is a blank stare. Not even a thank you!

No thank you? That is just plain rude.
It may be the hardest job you'll ever love, but they are definitely some of the hardest people you'll ever have to have a conversation with.

Analysis:

Ridiculousness: 3.5/5
How can people who willingly give up two years of their life in service to others be ridiculous? Oh...

Insecurity: 1/5
They know exactly what they sign up for. I give them a one because Jordan has the highest dropout rate of any Peace Corp location.

Intangibles: 5/5
I can't go into further detail about this, as some of the readers are younger. Let's just say...living as a fellahin changes you.

Overall: 3.5/5 Picard Facepalms

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

American Stereotypes 101: The Unemployable College Graduate (English Teacher)

Hoo boy. This one could sting.

First off, I feel I would be doing Americans living abroad a disservice by not talking about one of the silver linings of the current economic recession: Whatever you would like to call them, the "Millenials," the "Lost Generation," or perhaps the most apt description, "Any College Graduating Class After 2008," will also be the first international working generation of young Americans. This is the first time in a LONG time that 22-year-old American kids can't get jobs at home, and have to leave. Bonus: This international crowd will be a saavy, well-informed middle class in decades to come.

America has traditionally been the magnet for young risk-takers with nothing to lose. But now, the unemployable are running anywhere to find a gig. One day, when these American fortune seekers (who live as foreigners in other countries) return home, they might help bring some more differentiated opinion to Main Street.

Other developed, educated countries that have been in soft recessions for a while (France, UK, Australia, New Zealand, etc.) have had scores of young folks venturing out into the world in search of a chance. And from an International Relations standpoint, most of these "Other Countries" foreign policy is way more mutually beneficial to their respective interests than America's. So, logic follows that since this is America's first time sending kids out to live in other countries, the country should be better for it.

That being said, Amman is sprinkled with these poor, desperate bastards. One could call them the Eternally Hopeful, Yet Failing. After graduating with a worthless liberal arts degree, most have attempted at least one last-ditch move to find a job in their field (usually to New York or Washington D.C.).

Please refer to previous posts

Their ill-fated need to feel worth something pushes their desperation into truly extreme territories. They contemplate Law School. The Peace Corps. The Military. Marrying whoever they're dating at the time. Grad School. Or, heaven forbid, working at a job they don't want!

NO! I SHUN MEANINGLESS EMPLOYMENT!

But then they realize: their girlfriend doesn't love them. Law school wouldn't take them. They are too fat to join the mililtary. Their indecisiveness and lack of money coalesce into: 1) a powerful inability to cope with job-market forces, and 2) maladaptive, emotion-driven behaviors, which doesn't do well at the bar nor at job interviews. They are, for lack of a better word, Screwed. In what world is an employer going to take a chance on an unproven wannabe?

Any employer before the Carter presidency?

So what's left to do? Sit and rot? Or...do something crazy?

So crazy, it just might work!

I'll move to another country on a whim! Why wouldn't it work...abandoning the traditional career path has worked out for so many cool people! Hemingway! Hunter S.! Penn Jillette!

Drank himself to death. Suicide. Magician.

These desperate fools are only running from their own worthlessness. Which is why they become English teachers. They have no skills anyone would want to hire them for, and no ambition to push beyond the bare minimum: speaking. They have no actual commitment to children or teaching. Teaching is just the best hours and easiest money available. They're listless, floating idiots. They are flotsam, that attaches to the first rough surface.

Pictured: flotsam (and jetsam)

They can be fun to party with. But they made their bed, now let them sweat in it.

And sweat they will

Analysis

Ridiculousness: 2.5/5
Most of these guys can't be too ridiculous, because they don't have any money. Or they're old.

Insecurity: 5/5
Off the charts insecure. It's rare you'll find someone who leaves their home country to TEACH without having some kind of underlying mental condition.

Intangibles: 3/5
Like a wounded animal, these "teachers" are capable of anything when cornered.

Total: 4/5 Picard Facepalms

Thursday, September 15, 2011

American Stereotypes 101: The Fulbright Fellow

Ah, the Fulbright Fellow. One of my favorites. For those of you "outside the know," the Fulbright Scholarship is a competitive post-undergraduate scholarship that allows the recipient to do research, work, and/or teach in a foreign country for a year. In Jordan, most of the Fulbright Scholars/Fellows/Pretentious Proper Nouns are either English Teaching Assistants or Researchers.

For most, this is their second time in the Middle East (their first usually being a Study Abroad Adventure), so they know full well that this is a paid, one-year vacation in the guise of a prominent US State Department funded fellowship.

Also known as Peace Corps Lite.

The average Fulbrighter is from an affluent, private university in the US...and most of 'em are white. Given the opportunity to study the lingua vernacula of the region, some make the most of it and improve lingusitically (at least to the point of ordering in restaurants and increasing their ability to yell at landlords). Some study Arabic the entire time they are here and seldom interact with the local Arab community outside of their once a week English teaching volunteering gig or their Arabic professor.

Now that's what I call immersing yourself into the culture!

All of them go back to the US totin' their shiny Fulbright title into their graduate schools and high-falutin' jerbs. But, little do their new employers and professors know that as a researcher, you are not required to produce a single page of research. Nor are you required to work any more than one day per week as an English Teacher.


This is BY FAR the minority, but it should infuriate nonetheless (rabble rabble rabble...our tax dollars...tea party...rabble...). On the other end of the spectrum, some Fulbrights become incredibly worn out and jaded from their experience. They have spread themselves too thin between Arabic lessons, volunteering, research, and internships and fail to see anything good coming of the Middle East or the work that they have done here.

They go to bed early, castigate their friends, and become snippy little buggers.

Don't get me wrong; for those lucky enough to get it, a yearlong break between college and the working world would be the perfect decompression from the Lala-Land of school in the soulless abyss of The Real World. But I didn't get one, so screw them.

Analysis

Ridiculousness: 3/5
While most of the recipients can be described as either Plain White Vanilla- or Future Hill Employee-types, some individual candidates defy any rational explanation, so this measure is rightly skewed.

Insecurity: 2.5/5
Most of their personal/emotional baggage is left at home (or discarded altogether) when they arrive. A year is a pretty solid commitment, but you start seeing the neurotic cracks as the Eventual Return begins rearing its ugly, realistic head.

Intangibles: 2/5
Some of my best friends here are Fulbrighters. But they never got cars. Still, extra points, I guess.

Total: 2.5/5 Picard Facepalms


Wednesday, August 10, 2011

American Stereotypes 101: The Study Abroad Student

And onto the next analysis of our wonderful American compatriots: The Study Abroad Student.

Amman hosts several different study abroad programs of varying capacities, but the students are all relatively the same kind of bright-eyed, terrified 18-22 year old for the first week or two of their time here. They travel in packs of six or more for the duration, even after they learn to be unafraid of Amman in all her dusty, hot, trash-littered glory.

Does this look scary to you?

Some come because they want to improve their Arabic after studying Al-Kitaab Book One for two semesters in the US. Some decide to come to Jordan after tasting hummus at one Middle East Students Association mixer at their univeristy. And some (particularly 'special' girls) hope to live out their wildest Sex and the City 2 fantasy (Thank you horse face, eerrr, I mean SJP).

Sorry, couldn't resist.

The initial days reveal how little Arabic they know, and their first brave linguistic steps into the world are almost immediately followed by a humbling experience. With their confidence shaken, these students almost immediately end up at a popular expat haunt on Rainbow Street called La Calle. Without fail. For a week each semester, La Calle (probably) quadruples its happy hour revenues thanks to our wonderful little future ambassadors paying exorbitant amounts to drink cold Amstels and eat hot wings amongst Amman's trendy expat and local crowd. (Editors Note: Those hot wings are f-ing delicious and they have real blue cheese).

Wish all you like, Colin Farrell will not be appearing at happy hour in Amman.

And then things start getting loud and obnoxious. Their fear fades, yet somehow they feel the need to stick to Lonely Planet's recommendations for every night out or weekend excursion. This lends to their frequenting the same six restaurants, cafes, & bars during their tenure here, to most other American's annoyance.

This is what we see.

Then things start to get crazy as their time here progresses. They REALLY TRULY want to make a difference in the short time they have in Jordan, so they make an effort to volunteer with refugees, in poverty areas, or with children...for about a day. The inefficient realities of the developing world are too much to bear for their sense of selflessness.

Ew, these people didn't even have pencils ready for their English lesson!

Then towards the end of their trip, all bets are off. They start venturing into more "Jordanian" areas like Souk Abdali and the Balad buy their spices and keffiyehs...as an adventure. At least one male attempts unsuccessfully to hit on Jordanian girls at a bar or club, sometimes with hilarious results.

Sorry Michael Vartan, but you shouldn't have asked her to dance in front of her cousin.

The most ridiculous things, however, generally happen when these students live with Jordanian families. At one end of the spectrum, there are the cautionary tales of girls dating their homestay siblings as a casual fling in the Middle East. Except that their host brother usually thinks this relationship is the first step towards marriage, and is heartbroken beyond reproach when their expiration dating is over.

This is not what a cultural ambassador is supposed to do!!!!

Analysis

Ridiculousness: 3/5
These kids are overly sensitive to American stereotypes, usually distancing themselves from the "typical" American stereotypes and are very quick to disguise their actual opinions. They are also frequently unwilling to judge Jordanian institutions and customs from "a colonial western perspective." However, they forget that "a colonial western perspective" is the only perspective they have. Durr.

Insecurity: 4.5/5
They are insecure by default, as they are mostly completely unsure why they are coming in the first place. And, after they get home, all anyone ever hears is "When I was living in Jordan..."

Intangibles: 3/5
These students are the seed for almost all the other stereotypes on this little jaunt of ours. REMEMBER THAT, PARENTS!

Total: 3.5/5 Picard Facepalms

Friday, August 5, 2011

American Stereotypes 101: The Scarfwearer

And thus begins our great experiment: cataloging, detailing, and otherwise shining a unflattering light on the silly American archetypes that inhabit the Amman, Jordan area. Please note: None of these are directed at any specific individuals. If you fall into one of these categories, it's you're own fault. No scarfwearers were hurt in the making of these posts.

Please submit all complaints to our customer service manager

Stereotype #1: The Scarfwearer

Although already discussed on other expat blogs and on Urban Dictionary, we feel this is a good starting point from which we can branch out from. Usually the Scarfwearer is a girl from a small liberal arts school who wants to literally immerse themselves into Arab culture (TMI!).

More than likely a "one" for Jordan.

Their most distinguishing quality is their air of superiority regarding anything Arab or Palestinian related (Actual quote regarding Arab gender politics: "I am here to listen!!"). They are also usually followed around by their awkward, non-English speaking Jordanian boyfriend. The Scarfwearer speaks formal Arabic at all times and refuses to speak English with other native English speakers.

Like I would ever even want to talk to her anyway...

The most extreme scarfwearer will marry her shab boyfriend only after a few months of getting to know him by drinking tea, holding hands, and having fruitless, superficial conversations using vocabulary from Al-Kitaab (Key fil Hal, habibi?). Some return to United States with their new husband and attend their university sporting the niqab (true story). Most just rock the Palestinian keffiyah at all times, especially during the summer, and attend pro-Palestine rallies at their university. Note: Actual Palestinians question why this white girl is even at the rally and why she is wearing a keffiyah in 100+ degree weather.

Although NOTHING could excuse this idiot.

At any opportunity, they will remind anyone unfortunately close enough to listen about their experience in the Middle East ("When I was in Jordan… met a strange man… went to his house… kept introducing me as his fiance, LOL). They also fast during Ramadan, however since they are not Muslim nobody expects them to fast, and Muslims who are fasting can't understand why someone who isn't Muslim would do this.

Similar as to when this happened...

What scarfwearers fail to realize is that nobody (expats, locals, and fellow students) likes them. We think they are obnoxious, strange, and tarnish the reputation of non-scarfwearing Americans in Jordan. No matter how much they are "Just trying to help! No one understands the Palestinians like I do..." all they do is embarrass themselves.

Analysis (1 = Least Ridiculous/Insecure, 5 = Most Ridiculous/Insecure, etc.)

Ridiculousness: 4/5

While the personal actions of these girls vary in Head Smack-ability, for the most part they are harmless. Annoying? Yes. Embarrassing? Yes. Are they going to cause international incidents? Probably not...

Personal Insecurity: 4.5/5

All of these girls are in the midst of trying to find themselves, which is part of the reason they are so insufferable. Some of them never leave Amman cafes and restaurants, while some go out and find Bedouin boyfriends in Petra. Nonetheless, they are so consumed by their drive to Be Better Here Than They Are At Home, they never make real friends here. Ya salaam.

Intangibles: 2/5

No one can say these girls are scared of the world, as they are following their selfish, selfish hearts wherever it takes them. However, they suck all the air out of the room when they enter, and for that, they should be ashamed.

Rating: 4 out of 5 Picard Facepalms


Wednesday, August 3, 2011

Ramadan Update...

Sorry world, from mid-June to mid-July I was consumed with working on a paper myself and a colleague presented at a conference in Istanbul. Then, I was consumed with getting a job (which I did), and then working (which was nice).

Thankfully, I don't teach in Saudi...this looks awful.

BIG BLOG NEWS, THOUGH: A friend and I are going to collaborate on a few blog posts together, rigorously and, hopefully, satirically eviscerating the stereotypes of Americans Living In Jordan. There are more than we expected as we compiled our list, and we are going to be posting them (along with some ALL NEW PHOTOSHOPS) on here during this magical month of August/Ramadan.

Every night. All night. Outside my building. WHY?!?!

All of this is done in jest, so I hope no one gets truly offended. As Oscar Wilde said, "True friends stab you in the front." So stay tuned...

Muah ha ha ha ha....

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

No More Cats!

We FINALLY got rid of the kittens a few weeks ago. My allergies and cleaning ladies couldn't have been happier.

I think its obvious to even the most casual of readers my utter disdain for any and all things feline, except for this:



But, thankfully, we found homes for all four of Little F*cker's bastard children. Two went with Anael's French colleague for his children, one went with another French teacher, and the runt (the stupid one with the flat head) went to one of the Peace Corps volunteers. Mama F*cker was left to her own devices, because nobody wants a needy, constantly meowing poop machine that does absolutely nothing except get pregnant and expect you to deal with it.

Even the dumb one did better.

Anyway, here are some pictures in remembrance of the mangy rascals that made sleeping in my apartment a living hell for about a month.

Even I have to admit this is cute.

Yuck. Sure they look cute there, but they pooped on that sofa!

They are so dumb.

Everyone wanted the white one. For the record: I wanted NONE OF THEM.

Monday, June 13, 2011

Whoa! Almost forgot...

...that this existed!

Sorry Mom, I'm not dead. It's been a busy two months. I'll have some posts up soon. Until then, here's a few pictures of what's been going on.

Went to Tel Aviv, saw that they have MEAT-ings there. What up laxbros.


Just a herd of sheep crossing where I walk to work everyday.


I exploded our oven...and was rewarded with an impromptu haircut!


My friend Al'a had a surprise birthday party! I just like the photo, really.


Guess where I went again...

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

The Infestation Continues

Several months ago, a small cat started hanging out near our apartment. Anael, having a soft spot for cats, decided to start letting it in our apartment and feeding it. I was opposed to this on a very basic level. However, the cat (who we affectionately named "Little F*cker") appeared to be an abandoned house cat. She was good around people, clean, and relatively polite. And, kicking her out of the apartment gave me endless pleasure.


Like Mr. Banks kicking out DJ Jazzy Jeff, but with claws.

Our landlord had already forbidden us from having a cat in the apartment, which Anael, in his typically French way, politely ignored at every turn. So, a few weeks ago, we noticed Little F*cker (or LF) began to look kinda fat. I chose to ignore the obvious, hoping that she was just a gluttonous little pig and that she didn't have a progressively larger distended belly every time I saw her...

Jeez, lay off the carbs. Maybe we should have named her Little Porker...

We knew that she was going to pop soon, and like any good animal lovers, we wanted nothing to do with it. We decided to take LF to the rich neighborhood of Amman and leave her there, hoping the food scraps would be enough to provide her new kittens with the gross, garbage sustenance they need.

People gotta eat, even Shame Dog.

Well, God has a way of laughing at your plans, because the night we were going to toss her out on the streets like the Good Lord intended, her water broke all over our floor.

Let's just say that this is what it looked like...

A few hours later, the amount of cats in our apartment had quintupled.

That means four kittens. 4 + 1 = 5

Here is our maternity ward. MORE THAN WHAT SHE DESERVES.


Please, come take one.

Absent, deadbeat dad, living off of handouts, popping out kids everywhere with no plan for the future...what a horrible mother.

"Whatever Greg." Typical F*cker.