Lessons in Positivity

Nothing boils my blood more than reading stories about foreign adventures in taxis.  "Oh my god, the taxi drivers are SO CRAZY here.  And I don't trust any of them.  No one would do this to ME at HOME!"

Not like these OG's from Nairobi, anyway (You're welcome Peter and Arielle)

Ugh, who cares.  Guess what:  You're an American in a developing country, you have a target on your face and back that says "Take my money."  That being said, Indian autorickshaw drivers are a special breed of extortion artist.

A disproportionate amount of my daily energy is spent dealing with these barefoot charlatans, from as soon as they slow their rusted-out plastic "vehicles" to the "curb."

I bet he didn't charge those kids double meter...

So, for the weary foreigner, I've compiled a short how-to guide on dealing with these shifty bastards, which I like to call:

HOW TO GET YOURS IN THE DOG-EAT-DOG WORLD OF AUTORICKSHAWS

First thing is first: will they run the meter or not? Time of day plays into this decision because:

1) If you get the meter rate, you may also get the extended scenic tour of Bangalore

Behold. Your enemy.

This is standard procedure for taxis worldwide.  If you're not from there, you're screwed.  Foreigner tax, vacation tax, pale-face tax, call it what you will, you aren't getting a fair rate.  And if you try and show them a mapped route, they'll instantly become illiterate, deaf, dumb, blind, and maybe even incontinent.

EVERYONE GETS TAKEN FOR A RIDE SOMETIMES!

2) If you negotiate set price, they'll get you there as fast as they can.

So, I prefer to get them to what I know is fair price, especially at night.  Meters run at 1.5x after 9:00 PM, and sometimes all day if they think you're stupid.  They will mess with their meter so it runs faster, which has been interesting since I have the SAME COMMUTE EVERY DAY.

So there's only one thing left to do:

Become Tony Montana.  Use your words. Not the gun (or chainsaw).

3) India is a constant series of wins and losses.  Don't lose. Ever.

I have a short fuse for the whole lets-rip-off-the-foreigner game, mostly because I would NEVER do that back home, and I think that stigma is writ large in the US.  And only the US.  So when someone tries to get one over on me somewhere else, things get ugly.

Or as the Israelis say: אני אפתח לך את התחת

So far, we've thrown our money at them, yelled at them, been firm with our best Mary Poppins smile, explained our position logically, appealed to their sense of humanity, and reported the fradulent drivers to Bangalore police (it does nothing; there is an alleged 100 rupee fine, which is funny, as that is the exact cost for our morning commute).

I'm still figuring out the best course of action, but I only know this truth for sure so far:

When storming away, look both ways before you cross the street.  And no, this wasn't the auto that hit me.  Everyone died in that auto.

Keep the Change, Ya Filthy Animal

Hello All,

Well, it's been a year and a half since I posted last.  I am no longer in Amman, (but I left some things there, so technically part of me is there, blah blah blah I'm too lazy to figure out how to move this blog) but I am still running around the world doing new things, so I figured I'd keep Jihad, Schmahad running.

I will also use any excuse to show this sweet .gif I made of a "fight" at Tala Bay.

Quick rundown of what has happened in the last year and a half:

- I have seen how well the Jordanian 1% run the show
- I have an even lower opinion of expats now
- The American student loan establishment is its own worst enemy
- California is beautiful
- Consulting is fun
- I am in Bangalore, India now

I may put some throwback posts in here and there as I think about things from Jordan, but for now, I'll just be posting things about whats going on here in India.  Which is about 1000 times more ridiculous to me than the middle east.

This is what the majority of my commute looks like.

So, I'll leave you with that.  Stay tuned for more snark, sarcasm, and horribly edited photos.

And now, for something completely unrelated.

A friend created these today. I feel the need to share them with the world.

If you are unfamiliar with the "College Freshman" Reddit meme, check this out.

Hahaha. What every parent fears.

This statement is truer than math.

Or gets arrested for throwing molotov cocktails.

This happens. Hahaha.

A legitimate concern.

There are only seven people who will appreciate this joke in the world.

Bet you can't.

Ok, one more, courtesy of yours truly.

We watched it happen.

American Stereotypes 101: The Peace Corps Volunteer

Whoa! Sorry for the delay, I've been occupied teaching children how to read...Please forgive me.

This one has been a long time coming. The U.S. Peace Corps maintains only two programs in the Middle East-North Africa (MENA) region: one in Jordan, and one in Morocco.

Yes, a friend saw a woman take a kick in the groin in Morocco. At a concert. From a man. Which country would you pick?

As with all Peace Corps postings, the Volunteers are put into some of the more remote and conservative towns in the country. Far from capitol cities, shopping malls, and other forms of decadent Western diversions, these volunteers are tasked with a variety of programs. In Jordan, the programs focus on teaching English, Special Education initiatives, and other Good Stuff.

And true to form, they are some of the most socially "differently-abled" people you can meet in Jordan.

I don't know if it's the time spent in the village, the lack of reliable internet, water shortages, or something they brought to Jordan with them, but you'd be hard-pressed to find a group of people more cliquey and susceptible to Groupthink than this cadre of future weekend warriors.

I WISH they were like this!

Aside from tourist groups and the previously-mentioned study abroaders, you would be hard-pressed to find a larger group of people wandering all over Rainbow Street. And by Rainbow Street, I mean that's the only place you will find them. For kids that spend more than two years in the same country, you'd think they'd adventure past the mile-long stretch of expats, hip Jordanians, and other foreign revelers that is Amman's biggest tourist trap.

Not exactly Bourbon Street...

Being a Peace Corps Volunteer (or PCV) affords you some random privileges while here on assignment, like US Embassy Pool parties and occasional conferences in nice hotels, etc. But, there is also some equally random crappiness, like being snubbed by the former US Ambassador (twice), being unable to go to Aqaba due to a ridiculous State Department travel warning, and of course, non-stop marriage proposals and sexual harassment for female volunteers.

Real talk, these girls are troopers.

I can't underscore enough the respect I have for some of the volunteers. Like any volunteer commitment though, just because you signed up doesn't earn you a gold ribbon for participation. And like everything in life, for every Paul Rudd there is a Snooki. Some are completely worthless human beings. As a friend to several, and as a member of Couchsurfing (aka the creepiest of social experiments), the Peace Corps volunteers can sometimes be horrible houseguests, especially if they've spent "too much time in the village."

It is a bit unsettling, because one moment they will be telling you about their work with Jordanian youth centers, and in the next sentence they will be judging you for buying food at the expensive grocery store.

To be fair, my tortilla budget is out of control.

Their smug sense of superiority will leave you (their host) speechless. Even after you tell them you appreciate them, that you respect them, and you buy them a beer or six, all you receive in return is a blank stare. Not even a thank you!

No thank you? That is just plain rude.

It may be the hardest job you'll ever love, but they are definitely some of the hardest people you'll ever have to have a conversation with.

Analysis:

Ridiculousness: 3.5/5

How can people who willingly give up two years of their life in service to others be ridiculous? Oh...

Insecurity: 1/5

They know exactly what they sign up for. I give them a one because Jordan has the highest dropout rate of any Peace Corp location.

Intangibles: 5/5

I can't go into further detail about this, as some of the readers are younger. Let's just say...living as a fellahin changes you.

Overall: 3.5/5 Picard Facepalms

American Stereotypes 101: The Unemployable College Graduate (English Teacher)

Hoo boy. This one could sting.

First off, I feel I would be doing Americans living abroad a disservice by not talking about one of the silver linings of the current economic recession: Whatever you would like to call them, the "Millenials," the "Lost Generation," or perhaps the most apt description, "Any College Graduating Class After 2008," will also be the first international working generation of young Americans. This is the first time in a LONG time that 22-year-old American kids can't get jobs at home, and have to leave. Bonus: This international crowd will be a saavy, well-informed middle class in decades to come.

America has traditionally been the magnet for young risk-takers with nothing to lose. But now, the unemployable are running anywhere to find a gig. One day, when these American fortune seekers (who live as foreigners in other countries) return home, they might help bring some more differentiated opinion to Main Street.

Other developed, educated countries that have been in soft recessions for a while (France, UK, Australia, New Zealand, etc.) have had scores of young folks venturing out into the world in search of a chance. And from an International Relations standpoint, most of these "Other Countries" foreign policy is way more mutually beneficial to their respective interests than America's. So, logic follows that since this is America's first time sending kids out to live in other countries, the country should be better for it.

That being said, Amman is sprinkled with these poor, desperate bastards. One could call them the Eternally Hopeful, Yet Failing. After graduating with a worthless liberal arts degree, most have attempted at least one last-ditch move to find a job in their field (usually to New York or Washington D.C.).

Please refer to previous posts

Their ill-fated need to feel worth something pushes their desperation into truly extreme territories. They contemplate Law School. The Peace Corps. The Military. Marrying whoever they're dating at the time. Grad School. Or, heaven forbid, working at a job they don't want!

NO! I SHUN MEANINGLESS EMPLOYMENT!

But then they realize: their girlfriend doesn't love them. Law school wouldn't take them. They are too fat to join the mililtary. Their indecisiveness and lack of money coalesce into: 1) a powerful inability to cope with job-market forces, and 2) maladaptive, emotion-driven behaviors, which doesn't do well at the bar nor at job interviews. They are, for lack of a better word, Screwed. In what world is an employer going to take a chance on an unproven wannabe?

Any employer before the Carter presidency?

So what's left to do? Sit and rot? Or...do something crazy?

So crazy, it just might work!

I'll move to another country on a whim! Why wouldn't it work...abandoning the traditional career path has worked out for so many cool people! Hemingway! Hunter S.! Penn Jillette!

Drank himself to death. Suicide. Magician.

These desperate fools are only running from their own worthlessness. Which is why they become English teachers. They have no skills anyone would want to hire them for, and no ambition to push beyond the bare minimum: speaking. They have no actual commitment to children or teaching. Teaching is just the best hours and easiest money available. They're listless, floating idiots. They are flotsam, that attaches to the first rough surface.

Pictured: flotsam (and jetsam)

They can be fun to party with. But they made their bed, now let them sweat in it.

And sweat they will

Analysis

Ridiculousness: 2.5/5

Most of these guys can't be too ridiculous, because they don't have any money. Or they're old.

Insecurity: 5/5

Off the charts insecure. It's rare you'll find someone who leaves their home country to TEACH without having some kind of underlying mental condition.

Intangibles: 3/5

Like a wounded animal, these "teachers" are capable of anything when cornered.

Total: 4/5 Picard Facepalms