Jihad, Shmahad

And now, for something completely unrelated.

2012-01-28T20:50:00.008+02:00

A friend created these today. I feel the need to share them with the world.

If you are unfamiliar with the "College Freshman" Reddit meme, check this out.

Hahaha. What every parent fears.

This statement is truer than math.

Or gets arrested for throwing molotov cocktails.

This happens. Hahaha.

A legitimate concern.

There are only seven people who will appreciate this joke in the world.

Bet you can't.

Ok, one more, courtesy of yours truly.

We watched it happen.

American Stereotypes 101: The Peace Corps Volunteer

2011-11-01T10:20:00.019+02:00

Whoa! Sorry for the delay, I've been occupied teaching children how to read...Please forgive me.

This one has been a long time coming. The U.S. Peace Corps maintains only two programs in the Middle East-North Africa (MENA) region: one in Jordan, and one in Morocco.

Yes, a friend saw a woman take a kick in the groin in Morocco. At a concert. From a man. Which country would you pick?

As with all Peace Corps postings, the Volunteers are put into some of the more remote and conservative towns in the country. Far from capitol cities, shopping malls, and other forms of decadent Western diversions, these volunteers are tasked with a variety of programs. In Jordan, the programs focus on teaching English, Special Education initiatives, and other Good Stuff.

And true to form, they are some of the most socially "differently-abled" people you can meet in Jordan.

I don't know if it's the time spent in the village, the lack of reliable internet, water shortages, or something they brought to Jordan with them, but you'd be hard-pressed to find a group of people more cliquey and susceptible to Groupthink than this cadre of future weekend warriors.

I WISH they were like this!

Aside from tourist groups and the previously-mentioned study abroaders, you would be hard-pressed to find a larger group of people wandering all over Rainbow Street. And by Rainbow Street, I mean that's the only place you will find them. For kids that spend more than two years in the same country, you'd think they'd adventure past the mile-long stretch of expats, hip Jordanians, and other foreign revelers that is Amman's biggest tourist trap.

Not exactly Bourbon Street...

Being a Peace Corps Volunteer (or PCV) affords you some random privileges while here on assignment, like US Embassy Pool parties and occasional conferences in nice hotels, etc. But, there is also some equally random crappiness, like being snubbed by the former US Ambassador (twice), being unable to go to Aqaba due to a ridiculous State Department travel warning, and of course, non-stop marriage proposals and sexual harassment for female volunteers.

Real talk, these girls are troopers.

I can't underscore enough the respect I have for some of the volunteers. Like any volunteer commitment though, just because you signed up doesn't earn you a gold ribbon for participation. And like everything in life, for every Paul Rudd there is a Snooki. Some are completely worthless human beings. As a friend to several, and as a member of Couchsurfing (aka the creepiest of social experiments), the Peace Corps volunteers can sometimes be horrible houseguests, especially if they've spent "too much time in the village."

It is a bit unsettling, because one moment they will be telling you about their work with Jordanian youth centers, and in the next sentence they will be judging you for buying food at the expensive grocery store.

To be fair, my tortilla budget is out of control.

Their smug sense of superiority will leave you (their host) speechless. Even after you tell them you appreciate them, that you respect them, and you buy them a beer or six, all you receive in return is a blank stare. Not even a thank you!

No thank you? That is just plain rude.

It may be the hardest job you'll ever love, but they are definitely some of the hardest people you'll ever have to have a conversation with.

Analysis:

Ridiculousness: 3.5/5

How can people who willingly give up two years of their life in service to others be ridiculous? Oh...

Insecurity: 1/5

They know exactly what they sign up for. I give them a one because Jordan has the highest dropout rate of any Peace Corp location.

Intangibles: 5/5

I can't go into further detail about this, as some of the readers are younger. Let's just say...living as a fellahin changes you.

Overall: 3.5/5 Picard Facepalms

American Stereotypes 101: The Unemployable College Graduate (English Teacher)

2011-09-21T15:35:00.010+03:00

Hoo boy. This one could sting.

First off, I feel I would be doing Americans living abroad a disservice by not talking about one of the silver linings of the current economic recession: Whatever you would like to call them, the "Millenials," the "Lost Generation," or perhaps the most apt description, "Any College Graduating Class After 2008," will also be the first international working generation of young Americans. This is the first time in a LONG time that 22-year-old American kids can't get jobs at home, and have to leave. Bonus: This international crowd will be a saavy, well-informed middle class in decades to come.

America has traditionally been the magnet for young risk-takers with nothing to lose. But now, the unemployable are running anywhere to find a gig. One day, when these American fortune seekers (who live as foreigners in other countries) return home, they might help bring some more differentiated opinion to Main Street.

Other developed, educated countries that have been in soft recessions for a while (France, UK, Australia, New Zealand, etc.) have had scores of young folks venturing out into the world in search of a chance. And from an International Relations standpoint, most of these "Other Countries" foreign policy is way more mutually beneficial to their respective interests than America's. So, logic follows that since this is America's first time sending kids out to live in other countries, the country should be better for it.

That being said, Amman is sprinkled with these poor, desperate bastards. One could call them the Eternally Hopeful, Yet Failing. After graduating with a worthless liberal arts degree, most have attempted at least one last-ditch move to find a job in their field (usually to New York or Washington D.C.).

Please refer to previous posts

Their ill-fated need to feel worth something pushes their desperation into truly extreme territories. They contemplate Law School. The Peace Corps. The Military. Marrying whoever they're dating at the time. Grad School. Or, heaven forbid, working at a job they don't want!

NO! I SHUN MEANINGLESS EMPLOYMENT!

But then they realize: their girlfriend doesn't love them. Law school wouldn't take them. They are too fat to join the mililtary. Their indecisiveness and lack of money coalesce into: 1) a powerful inability to cope with job-market forces, and 2) maladaptive, emotion-driven behaviors, which doesn't do well at the bar nor at job interviews. They are, for lack of a better word, Screwed. In what world is an employer going to take a chance on an unproven wannabe?

Any employer before the Carter presidency?

So what's left to do? Sit and rot? Or...do something crazy?

So crazy, it just might work!

I'll move to another country on a whim! Why wouldn't it work...abandoning the traditional career path has worked out for so many cool people! Hemingway! Hunter S.! Penn Jillette!

Drank himself to death. Suicide. Magician.

These desperate fools are only running from their own worthlessness. Which is why they become English teachers. They have no skills anyone would want to hire them for, and no ambition to push beyond the bare minimum: speaking. They have no actual commitment to children or teaching. Teaching is just the best hours and easiest money available. They're listless, floating idiots. They are flotsam, that attaches to the first rough surface.

Pictured: flotsam (and jetsam)

They can be fun to party with. But they made their bed, now let them sweat in it.

And sweat they will

Analysis

Ridiculousness: 2.5/5

Most of these guys can't be too ridiculous, because they don't have any money. Or they're old.

Insecurity: 5/5

Off the charts insecure. It's rare you'll find someone who leaves their home country to TEACH without having some kind of underlying mental condition.

Intangibles: 3/5

Like a wounded animal, these "teachers" are capable of anything when cornered.

Total: 4/5 Picard Facepalms

American Stereotypes 101: The Fulbright Fellow

2011-09-15T17:16:00.008+03:00

Ah, the Fulbright Fellow. One of my favorites. For those of you "outside the know," the Fulbright Scholarship is a competitive post-undergraduate scholarship that allows the recipient to do research, work, and/or teach in a foreign country for a year. In Jordan, most of the Fulbright Scholars/Fellows/Pretentious Proper Nouns are either English Teaching Assistants or Researchers.

For most, this is their second time in the Middle East (their first usually being a Study Abroad Adventure), so they know full well that this is a paid, one-year vacation in the guise of a prominent US State Department funded fellowship.

Also known as Peace Corps Lite.

The average Fulbrighter is from an affluent, private university in the US...and most of 'em are white. Given the opportunity to study the lingua vernacula of the region, some make the most of it and improve lingusitically (at least to the point of ordering in restaurants and increasing their ability to yell at landlords). Some study Arabic the entire time they are here and seldom interact with the local Arab community outside of their once a week English teaching volunteering gig or their Arabic professor.

Now that's what I call immersing yourself into the culture!

All of them go back to the US totin' their shiny Fulbright title into their graduate schools and high-falutin' jerbs. But, little do their new employers and professors know that as a researcher, you are not required to produce a single page of research. Nor are you required to work any more than one day per week as an English Teacher.

This is BY FAR the minority, but it should infuriate nonetheless (rabble rabble rabble...our tax dollars...tea party...rabble...). On the other end of the spectrum, some Fulbrights become incredibly worn out and jaded from their experience. They have spread themselves too thin between Arabic lessons, volunteering, research, and internships and fail to see anything good coming of the Middle East or the work that they have done here.

They go to bed early, castigate their friends, and become snippy little buggers.

Don't get me wrong; for those lucky enough to get it, a yearlong break between college and the working world would be the perfect decompression from the Lala-Land of school in the soulless abyss of The Real World. But I didn't get one, so screw them.

Analysis

Ridiculousness: 3/5

While most of the recipients can be described as either Plain White Vanilla- or Future Hill Employee-types, some individual candidates defy any rational explanation, so this measure is rightly skewed.

Insecurity: 2.5/5

Most of their personal/emotional baggage is left at home (or discarded altogether) when they arrive. A year is a pretty solid commitment, but you start seeing the neurotic cracks as the Eventual Return begins rearing its ugly, realistic head.

Intangibles: 2/5

Some of my best friends here are Fulbrighters. But they never got cars. Still, extra points, I guess.

Total: 2.5/5 Picard Facepalms

American Stereotypes 101: The Study Abroad Student

2011-08-10T12:36:00.016+03:00

And onto the next analysis of our wonderful American compatriots: The Study Abroad Student.

Amman hosts several different study abroad programs of varying capacities, but the students are all relatively the same kind of bright-eyed, terrified 18-22 year old for the first week or two of their time here. They travel in packs of six or more for the duration, even after they learn to be unafraid of Amman in all her dusty, hot, trash-littered glory.

Does this look scary to you?

Some come because they want to improve their Arabic after studying Al-Kitaab Book One for two semesters in the US. Some decide to come to Jordan after tasting hummus at one Middle East Students Association mixer at their univeristy. And some (particularly 'special' girls) hope to live out their wildest Sex and the City 2 fantasy (Thank you horse face, eerrr, I mean SJP).

Sorry, couldn't resist.

The initial days reveal how little Arabic they know, and their first brave linguistic steps into the world are almost immediately followed by a humbling experience. With their confidence shaken, these students almost immediately end up at a popular expat haunt on Rainbow Street called La Calle. Without fail. For a week each semester, La Calle (probably) quadruples its happy hour revenues thanks to our wonderful little future ambassadors paying exorbitant amounts to drink cold Amstels and eat hot wings amongst Amman's trendy expat and local crowd. (Editors Note: Those hot wings are f-ing delicious and they have real blue cheese).

Wish all you like, Colin Farrell will not be appearing at happy hour in Amman.

And then things start getting loud and obnoxious. Their fear fades, yet somehow they feel the need to stick to Lonely Planet's recommendations for every night out or weekend excursion. This lends to their frequenting the same six restaurants, cafes, & bars during their tenure here, to most other American's annoyance.

This is what we see.

Then things start to get crazy as their time here progresses. They REALLY TRULY want to make a difference in the short time they have in Jordan, so they make an effort to volunteer with refugees, in poverty areas, or with children...for about a day. The inefficient realities of the developing world are too much to bear for their sense of selflessness.

Ew, these people didn't even have pencils ready for their English lesson!

Then towards the end of their trip, all bets are off. They start venturing into more "Jordanian" areas like Souk Abdali and the Balad buy their spices and keffiyehs...as an adventure. At least one male attempts unsuccessfully to hit on Jordanian girls at a bar or club, sometimes with hilarious results.

Sorry Michael Vartan, but you shouldn't have asked her to dance in front of her cousin.

The most ridiculous things, however, generally happen when these students live with Jordanian families. At one end of the spectrum, there are the cautionary tales of girls dating their homestay siblings as a casual fling in the Middle East. Except that their host brother usually thinks this relationship is the first step towards marriage, and is heartbroken beyond reproach when their expiration dating is over.

This is not what a cultural ambassador is supposed to do!!!!

Analysis

Ridiculousness: 3/5
These kids are overly sensitive to American stereotypes, usually distancing themselves from the "typical" American stereotypes and are very quick to disguise their actual opinions. They are also frequently unwilling to judge Jordanian institutions and customs from "a colonial western perspective." However, they forget that "a colonial western perspective" is the only perspective they have. Durr.

Insecurity: 4.5/5
They are insecure by default, as they are mostly completely unsure why they are coming in the first place. And, after they get home, all anyone ever hears is "When I was living in Jordan..."

Intangibles: 3/5
These students are the seed for almost all the other stereotypes on this little jaunt of ours. REMEMBER THAT, PARENTS!

Total: 3.5/5 Picard Facepalms

American Stereotypes 101: The Scarfwearer

2011-08-05T17:44:00.020+03:00

And thus begins our great experiment: cataloging, detailing, and otherwise shining a unflattering light on the silly American archetypes that inhabit the Amman, Jordan area. Please note: None of these are directed at any specific individuals. If you fall into one of these categories, it's you're own fault. No scarfwearers were hurt in the making of these posts.

Please submit all complaints to our customer service manager

Stereotype #1: The Scarfwearer

Although already discussed on other expat blogs and on Urban Dictionary, we feel this is a good starting point from which we can branch out from. Usually the Scarfwearer is a girl from a small liberal arts school who wants to literally immerse themselves into Arab culture (TMI!).

More than likely a "one" for Jordan.

Their most distinguishing quality is their air of superiority regarding anything Arab or Palestinian related (Actual quote regarding Arab gender politics: "I am here to listen!!"). They are also usually followed around by their awkward, non-English speaking Jordanian boyfriend. The Scarfwearer speaks formal Arabic at all times and refuses to speak English with other native English speakers.

Like I would ever even want to talk to her anyway...

The most extreme scarfwearer will marry her shab boyfriend only after a few months of getting to know him by drinking tea, holding hands, and having fruitless, superficial conversations using vocabulary from Al-Kitaab (Key fil Hal, habibi?). Some return to United States with their new husband and attend their university sporting the niqab (true story). Most just rock the Palestinian keffiyah at all times, especially during the summer, and attend pro-Palestine rallies at their university. Note: Actual Palestinians question why this white girl is even at the rally and why she is wearing a keffiyah in 100+ degree weather.

Although NOTHING could excuse this idiot.

At any opportunity, they will remind anyone unfortunately close enough to listen about their experience in the Middle East ("When I was in Jordan… met a strange man… went to his house… kept introducing me as his fiance, LOL). They also fast during Ramadan, however since they are not Muslim nobody expects them to fast, and Muslims who are fasting can't understand why someone who isn't Muslim would do this.

Similar as to when this happened...

What scarfwearers fail to realize is that nobody (expats, locals, and fellow students) likes them. We think they are obnoxious, strange, and tarnish the reputation of non-scarfwearing Americans in Jordan. No matter how much they are "Just trying to help! No one understands the Palestinians like I do..." all they do is embarrass themselves.

Analysis (1 = Least Ridiculous/Insecure, 5 = Most Ridiculous/Insecure, etc.)

Ridiculousness: 4/5

While the personal actions of these girls vary in Head Smack-ability, for the most part they are harmless. Annoying? Yes. Embarrassing? Yes. Are they going to cause international incidents? Probably not...

Personal Insecurity: 4.5/5

All of these girls are in the midst of trying to find themselves, which is part of the reason they are so insufferable. Some of them never leave Amman cafes and restaurants, while some go out and find Bedouin boyfriends in Petra. Nonetheless, they are so consumed by their drive to Be Better Here Than They Are At Home, they never make real friends here. Ya salaam.

Intangibles: 2/5

No one can say these girls are scared of the world, as they are following their selfish, selfish hearts wherever it takes them. However, they suck all the air out of the room when they enter, and for that, they should be ashamed.

Rating: 4 out of 5 Picard Facepalms

Ramadan Update...

2011-08-03T22:35:00.004+03:00

Sorry world, from mid-June to mid-July I was consumed with working on a paper myself and a colleague presented at a conference in Istanbul. Then, I was consumed with getting a job (which I did), and then working (which was nice).

Thankfully, I don't teach in Saudi...this looks awful.

BIG BLOG NEWS, THOUGH: A friend and I are going to collaborate on a few blog posts together, rigorously and, hopefully, satirically eviscerating the stereotypes of Americans Living In Jordan. There are more than we expected as we compiled our list, and we are going to be posting them (along with some ALL NEW PHOTOSHOPS) on here during this magical month of August/Ramadan.

Every night. All night. Outside my building. WHY?!?!

All of this is done in jest, so I hope no one gets truly offended. As Oscar Wilde said, "True friends stab you in the front." So stay tuned...

Muah ha ha ha ha....

No More Cats!

2011-06-14T14:53:00.004+03:00

We FINALLY got rid of the kittens a few weeks ago. My allergies and cleaning ladies couldn't have been happier.

I think its obvious to even the most casual of readers my utter disdain for any and all things feline, except for this:

But, thankfully, we found homes for all four of Little F*cker's bastard children. Two went with Anael's French colleague for his children, one went with another French teacher, and the runt (the stupid one with the flat head) went to one of the Peace Corps volunteers. Mama F*cker was left to her own devices, because nobody wants a needy, constantly meowing poop machine that does absolutely nothing except get pregnant and expect you to deal with it.

Even the dumb one did better.

Anyway, here are some pictures in remembrance of the mangy rascals that made sleeping in my apartment a living hell for about a month.

Even I have to admit this is cute.

Yuck. Sure they look cute there, but they pooped on that sofa!

They are so dumb.

Everyone wanted the white one. For the record: I wanted NONE OF THEM.

Whoa! Almost forgot...

2011-06-13T01:16:00.005+03:00

...that this existed!

Sorry Mom, I'm not dead. It's been a busy two months. I'll have some posts up soon. Until then, here's a few pictures of what's been going on.

Went to Tel Aviv, saw that they have MEAT-ings there. What up laxbros.

Just a herd of sheep crossing where I walk to work everyday.

I exploded our oven...and was rewarded with an impromptu haircut!

My friend Al'a had a surprise birthday party! I just like the photo, really.

Guess where I went again...

The Infestation Continues

2011-04-05T16:05:00.004+03:00

Several months ago, a small cat started hanging out near our apartment. Anael, having a soft spot for cats, decided to start letting it in our apartment and feeding it. I was opposed to this on a very basic level. However, the cat (who we affectionately named "Little F*cker") appeared to be an abandoned house cat. She was good around people, clean, and relatively polite. And, kicking her out of the apartment gave me endless pleasure.

Like Mr. Banks kicking out DJ Jazzy Jeff, but with claws.

Our landlord had already forbidden us from having a cat in the apartment, which Anael, in his typically French way, politely ignored at every turn. So, a few weeks ago, we noticed Little F*cker (or LF) began to look kinda fat. I chose to ignore the obvious, hoping that she was just a gluttonous little pig and that she didn't have a progressively larger distended belly every time I saw her...

Jeez, lay off the carbs. Maybe we should have named her Little Porker...

We knew that she was going to pop soon, and like any good animal lovers, we wanted nothing to do with it. We decided to take LF to the rich neighborhood of Amman and leave her there, hoping the food scraps would be enough to provide her new kittens with the gross, garbage sustenance they need.

People gotta eat, even Shame Dog.

Well, God has a way of laughing at your plans, because the night we were going to toss her out on the streets like the Good Lord intended, her water broke all over our floor.

Let's just say that this is what it looked like...

A few hours later, the amount of cats in our apartment had quintupled.

That means four kittens. 4 + 1 = 5

Here is our maternity ward. MORE THAN WHAT SHE DESERVES.

Please, come take one.

Absent, deadbeat dad, living off of handouts, popping out kids everywhere with no plan for the future...what a horrible mother.

"Whatever Greg." Typical F*cker.

DEAD 2 RED MARATHON

2011-03-07T10:33:00.008+02:00

The Amman Road Runners, a Jordanian running club, has been hosting a marathon and cycling relay from the Dead Sea to the Red Sea every year for the last 12(?) years. A few weeks ago, I organized two teams of CIEE students to participate in this madness. It's 242 kilometers of mind-numbing, knee-grinding desert beauty. We began at 4:00 PM and ran through the night into the next morning, and I got to run through the desert in the middle of the night.

So. Awesome.

So every runner completed a half-marathon each (roughly). Photos by my good friend Zach Ruchman. Except the last one.

What a great action shot! I'm deceptively athletic!

For Yates. Durr.

Sunset by the Dead Sea. How's home, guys, by the way?

These were our rides. GIT ON THE MAGIC SCHOOL BUS!

This was at about 5:00 AM. Most of us were weighing the benefits of cheating vs. suicide at this point.

Team Cool Runnings: 19 Hours, 15 Minutes. 23rd Place. We earned it.

Some of the highlights included:

It was brutal.

My Jordanian Flat, Round 2

2011-02-16T19:23:00.008+02:00

These pictures are long overdue, so I'll do a pictorial breakdown for shiggles. I've been living in a quiet, historically significant neighborhood called Jabal Weibdeh with a French teacher named Anael.

That's "Baby Angel" in Gaelic. Awwww.

I live on a hill just above the busy downtown area of Amman called Wast Al-Balad (Or Downtown Center in Arabic).

Isn't it just darling? The schools are great, and there's hardly any white people!

This is where the Friday Bazaar usually is. That is an experience in and of itself, post pending.

So, I went from this:

Messy.

To this:

What an upgrade!

The amenities are enough to make the Sultan of Brunei jealous.

Exhibit A:

Yes, that is a stereo embedded into OUR COUCH!

Exhibit B:

And a stereo embedded into my roommate's headboard! What kind of kinky harem is this?

Exhibit C:

I mean, are there even words?

Exhibit D:

Guess whose room this is?

There is one negative to this apartment though.

Call the exterminator.

I've been learning to cope.

Through thinly-veiled aggressive hatred, mostly.

And that's my place! Come and visit!

May you live in interesting times...

2011-02-01T23:16:00.006+02:00

WARNING: Long post ahead, so I will put a lot of pictures in to remedy the boredom.

The title of this post (allegedly) comes from an ancient Chinese curse, that I may or may not be a victim of.

LO PAN!

I happen to be in the middle of a region that is under constant international scrutiny and near-constant political movement. Due to the increase in twitter hashtags and CNN coverage of Jordan and its neighbors, I think it's time for a lesson in media skepticism for the readers at home!

Apparently Brian Williams shot a report in my neighborhood the other day...

I've been getting a lot of emails and Skype calls worrying for my safety. While the sentiment is appreciated, Jordan is FINE! I won't be protecting my neighborhood with home-made weapons anytime soon.

Unlike some of my friends in Cairo had to do...

The American news networks are exaggerating the story for whatever reason. Like I have said before, King Abdullah is pretty much universally adored here. He's also fairly fond of his people, as well.

See?

In response to the increased regional tension and calls for reform, the King dismissed the Prime Minister, which American reporters took as the first of the seven seals being broken in Revelation.

OH MY GOD! JORDAN IS NEXT!

Former PM Samir Rifai had an impossible charge when he took office years ago: Cut spending, increase taxes, and balance Jordan's budget. And he tried. Prices went up as subsidies were cut, taxes increased, and several spending projects were slashed in order to battle Jordan's deficit and square their economy for the long haul.

What a jerk.

Prices in Jordan for gasoline, food, and alcohol are currently about the same as prices in Chicago. But, the average wage for Jordanians is between $300-500 a month. So, price increases dramatically effect people here.

Like this.

So, the new PM will bring back the subsidies, which the Jordanian people like (for now). Unemployment is still a hot-button issue, but with lower prices, no one will be asking for heads on stakes (for a while).

The King has also: met with the Islamist faction in Jordan to discuss election law reform, flew every Jordanian stuck in Egypt home at his own expense, and began giving out money in poor areas in Jordan.

He's like Daddy Warbucks, Richard the Lionheart, and Robin Hood all rolled into one!

Also, keep in mind: While protests are occurring in the region, they don't cross borders easily. Jordan is in a completely different situation than Egypt, Tunisia, etc. If there were protests in Canada, would anyone in the U.S. care?

Even when there ARE protests IN the U.S., no one cares.

So, for the record, short of someone lighting themself on fire, Jordan should be relatively calm for at least the next few months.

Unless Israel does something stupid.

What would the Bangles say?

2011-01-29T23:44:00.004+02:00

And after that exhale...I just wanted to share this:

Can't help but think about it.

Jordan in the Asia Cup

2011-01-18T00:07:00.005+02:00

Sorry this was a little late, I've been busy almost every day for the last few weeks...

Anyway, for those uncaring about international soccer tournaments, the Asia Cup has been going on for the last month. Jordan has had quite the impressive showing, especially after drawing a group with Japan (favored to win it all), Syria, and Saudi Arabia. All solid squads.

Jordan went 2-0-1. Every night Jordan didn't lose, the streets of Amman were packed with cars full of young Jordanians blasting music, honking horns, and waving flags.

J-O-R! D-A-N!

After my little romp with Team USA two years ago, I knew that Jordan playing in the Asia Cup was going be a big deal.

I made the students in my conversational English class rate all the teams in the Asia cup on a scale from 1 to 10, giving reasons why they thought each team deserved their rating. India was voted the worst, Jordan garnered a 5.5/10, and Iraq, Iran, Japan, and South Korea were voted to be the most likely to be the Final Four.

This hard lookin' sonuvabitch was a major factor in Jordan's success.

So, the fact that Jordan came out second in their group and moved to the quarter-finals was a huge deal. So huge, in fact, even after Jordan lost to Uzbekistan 2-1, Jordanians still partied anyway...

And also, demonstrated against unemployment and elections.

I didn't really get it, I thought there would be either utter heartbreak or riots. After some reflection, however, driving around acting like lunatics seemed the appropriate response. Like most things here, without a Jordanian explaining things to me, I can't always figure out the motivation behind the public's reaction to events.

Childrens birthday party....?

Mabrook (Congratulations) to Jordan. Hopefully one day, we'll see them in the World Cup.

What a nice picture.

A Saving Grace

2011-01-10T20:27:00.001+02:00

I learned something today.

There is one thing that, no matter what, makes me feel like I'm at home, anywhere in the world.

Dick Whitman.

Holy F#%$, I forgot all my arabic.

2010-12-28T20:57:00.003+02:00

Post to follow...

12/31/10 Update: Ok, so it's not as bad as I thought. When I got off the plane, no one understood any of my attempted gibberish at all, which was, needless to say, depressing and scary. But, after a few days, Jordanians been striking up conversations with me that are more along the lines of "Where are you from?" and "I have family in Missouri," than "Are you stupid?"

I'm not dumb! I just haven't been here in two years!

Amman is more or less the same. Some new restaurants have opened, and some old ones closed. Everyone still uses unleaded gasoline and looks angry all the time. I have already found the Amman version of Bucktown (which is where I'm looking into living), and I landed a gig teaching conversational English twelve hours a week at a language academy near the University of Jordan. Not bad for three days in the Hashemite Kingdom!

This is more like what I was doing in Chicago after getting back...

I'm gonna be looking at apartments over the next few days. If anything interesting happens, I'll put it on here. But probably not.

Either way, Happy New Years!

I'll see something way less beautiful eight hours before you guys. Bittersweet.

All Systems Go

2010-08-22T22:47:00.001+03:00

It's official.

I bought my one-way ticket to Amman. I leave December 27th.

Let sanity reign over me.

2010-07-12T08:39:00.000+03:00

Rumble Rumble...

Post-Graduation

2009-05-19T21:36:00.005+03:00

Well, the time has come. Being broke and jobless at college has transitioned into being broke, jobless, and uninsured at home. Yes!!!!

So, it is with a heavy heart that I close out this travelog. I will carry the memories I made during my study abroad semester with me for the rest of my life, and hopefully the things I learned there will help others better understand the Middle East for what it is:

Just another place in a crazy world.

*cue inspirational 80's music*

St. Elmo's Fire!

Back Home

2009-02-12T21:12:00.003+02:00

I don't want my account with Blogspot to lapse, so I'm posting this to remain on teh Internets [sic].

As for things I've learned:

-Everyone who is an armchair diplomat/economist/general/president doesn't know a goddamn thing. Including me. But especially other people. An aide for John McCain came and spoke in Jordan during the election, positing that "Why don't the Palestinians just turn Jordan into Palestine? There's already so many Palestinians in Jordan..." so I asked "Why don't the Mexicans just turn California into Mexico? There's already so many of them there..." Idiot.

-Palestine/Israel is not an impossible situation. Anyone who says it is never saw the impossible situations of horseless carriages, electricity, defeating the Nazis, coming out of the depression, sailing West to find India, or sinning against God and not being struck down by a bolt of lightning. There are elements on both sides that want peace, just as there are elements on both sides that benefit from conflict and war. The peacemakers just need to be louder. And richer.

-The differences between Arabs, Muslims, Shi'ite, Sunni, Christian, Israeli, Jewish, Orthodox, Bedouin, Kurdish, and every nationality of Middle Eastern are the MOST important thing to understanding the Middle East. After demographics.

-The only real anti-American sentiment I received while abroad was from drunk Jordanian college students (which is haram in the first place) and from Israelis. Everyone else was either ambivalent on the subject, passive aggressive (which I consider normal toward foreigners in any country), or completely hospitable. Many instances of the latter stick out as pleasantly surprising, such as being invited to tea in the middle of the desert about a half-dozen times and being taken to fantastic dinners by complete strangers.

-Anyone who was raised in an urban environment has enough spidey-sense to survive in strange new places. A dangerous neighborhood in Cairo looks pretty similar to a dangerous neighborhood in Chicago (murder capital of the US). The indicators of a dangerous situation in an urban enviroment are the same. So for those astounded that I didn't get beheaded on the Internet, it's probably more dangerous going to the Taste of Chicago then it was going to Jerusalem and Bethlehem. Although I did miss the rocket attacks by mere hours...

-The toxic social bubble of Champaign is nowhere near a fair distribution of the types of people in the United States. I met more varied, amazing people on this trip from America in four months than I met in Champaign in 4 1/2 years. It just goes to show you that staying inside your safe little bubble and never venturing into the big, bright world can stunt your growth.

Cairo

2008-11-30T23:05:00.018+02:00

Warning!! Long post ahead...but there are pretty pictures...Read at your own risk!!

I spent nearly a week in "the city of a thousand minarets," which a nickname I agree with, the calls to prayer sounding so close it is if they are being sung/screamed literally within your head most of the time. Although a more accurate nickname would be, "the city of a thousand crappy minaret speakers." You'd think with the billions of dollars America gives Egypt every year, they'd put a Radioshack in somewhere...

So, I arrived in Cairo by way of Royal Jordanian airlines (the only way to fly). I mean it, it is the only way to fly. Not only did I get to pick my exact seat, but I jokingly selected a gluten-free meal for the hour-long flight from Amman to Cairo...AND THEY ACTUALLY SERVED IT.

Delta airlines meal service seems a bit less hospitable...

So, after my $20 ride from the airport, which is apparently the standard rip-off rate in every country (except Israel, where it's $60 from the border to Jerusalem...no comment), I arrived at my friend's apartment on the island of Zamalek, on the Nile between Cairo proper and Giza.

I need to learn to use better editing software...

It was Eid, and Katie's apartment had the unique benefit of being located above a butcher shop. So I got to see this every morning...

Mmmm...fresh holiday entrails....

Zamalek is home to a lot of international students and ex-pats, and has most of the embassies there as well...

Oh Ethiopia...come on guys...

So it has a distinctly cosmopolitan flava. It also had some of the greatest views of the Nile I was never expecting to see.

Those are rentable apartments...ON THE NILE

It was very green. Here's a mosque. That's all I got.

Being a total Stargate nerd, I demanded that we had to see the pyramids (or alien landing pads, which is what the government doesn't want you to believe). I had been warned that the soliciting of tourists was going to be the worst there, but when an Egyptian man jumped onto the trunk of our taxi trying to get us to ride his camel, it took my friend Katie screaming Imshee!!! (basically telling him to f*ck off) to get him away. The taxi driver loved how badly the wee lass had emasculated him.

This kitten's got claws!

The pyramids do look pretty intense, and pictures don't do it justice. They rise out of the desert and look totally unlike anything I have ever seen...except for the other pyramids

Like this one...check out those fanny packs...

Ancient Egyptian God Ra decided to make an appearance

Always the rebellious rulebreaker...

I also got to run around other parts of Cairo...including:

Khan Al-Khalili

The biggest market/tourist rip off in Cairo. They had some nice hookahs though.

This is the entrance to Khan Al-Khalili. A bomb went off in this spot about a month later, killing one and injuring 17 tourists.

Downtown

Doesn't look like a third-world country...

Al-Azhar Park

Grant Park eat your heart out. This was all for ONE BAND. And they were BARELY DECENT.

This is probably the best picture I took on my entire trip.

I know it's all because of air pollution, but WE DID THAT. And its beautiful. And it will possibly kill our grandchildren.

To sum up Cairo would be best done in haiku form:

Cairo is way big
Twenty five million people
Too many children

These kids are Palestinian, but an Egyptian lad did lean out of a car with a toy AK-47 and "shot" me. It was pretty intense.

Lists

2008-11-09T14:09:00.006+02:00

I got real nostalgic the other day, and this is what came out. Feel free to reminisce. Or comment on how emo I am.

Things I won't miss when I leave:

-The call to prayer
-Dirty taxis
-Crazy Palestinians
-Crazy Saudis
-Crazy Arabs in general
-Suicidal traffic
-Sexual harrassment/repression
-Non-hostile staring
-Hostile staring
-Slow-walking herds of hijab girls
-Deceitful taxi drivers
-Dust
-Trash
-Dusty cats in the trash
-Water tanks
-200% Import tax
-Nasserism
-The wasting of water in a desert country
-The mutant dog that lives downstairs

Things I'm not looking foward to returning to:

-Obamarama. Gag me.
-Daley's Chicago
-U of I (Champaign more than Urbana)
-10% sales tax in Chicago (wtf?)
-Being Jobless
-Being Broke
-Being the "gray bush"
-Asian girls (they are ALWAYS trouble...Teri...)
-Knee surgery...?
-Hangin up the gloves
-MTV
-VH1
-E!
-Anything related to Disney musicals (be they in high school or anywhere else)/American Idol/dancing like you think you can...? You know what I mean.
-Pop-genre tranquilizers for the minds of the mindless
-Being told to shut up
-Abdulkafi Albirini
-Naysayers
-Hypocrites
-Societal Pressure to be a sheep. Why not a camel?
-Manipulators
-Frenemies (the word, not the status)
-Greek Letters
-Plastics
-The Hills

This is starting to turn into a list of things I don't like in general...so here's some upbeat stuff.

Things I'll miss when I leave:

-Maglooba
-Freekah
-Fresh bread
-Non-preservative injected meat and produce
-Fresh Hummous
-Amstel as a domestic beer
-Readily available absinthe
-My Jordanian friends
-My American friends
-Bedouins
-Subtle, and purely unintentional (I think), hilarious racism
-The desert
-Being so close to 5000 years of history
-Aqaba
-Knowing everyone in the neighborhood
-Terrible Arabic music television
-Terrible Egyptian movies
-Being surrounded by Arabic
-English mistranslations on clothing and signs
-Cultural jamming
-The Khalda Kids
-The B Club
-Cocoa Mania
-King Hussein Mosque at night
-Footballmania
-Being an Ex-pat

Things I miss at home:

-You. Yes, you!
-Pretzels
-Kaukana spreadable cheese
-Bud Light
-Bears. Bulls. Sox. Hawks. Fire. Machine. Shamrox.
-Ruffles
-College Football (not the Illini...WESTERN MICHIGAN??!!?! SERIOUSLY)
-South Park
-It's Always Sunny in Philidelphia
-Bookstores
-Mexican Food
-Traffic Laws
-Trained Paramedics
-D.P. Dough
-Video Games (I heard GH4 is AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)
-Boobies
-PDA
-The 59. Always and forever.
-Sales tax under 26%
-Anything lacrosse related
-Driving
-Fall colors
-Gyros places (especially Patio Beef and Papa Chris Place)
-Watching business majors pee themselves over the economy (except Doug, cause he's the man)
-Economic Efficiency and work ethic on a grand scale. Seriously.
-A working hot shower
-Snow
-Road trips (sorry about that last one mom...)

Pretty much all the good stuff

King Abdullah II = BALLA

2008-11-08T23:59:00.008+02:00

WARNING: This post is kinda nerdy, skip to the pictures if you don't feel like reading (i.e. you played lacrosse with me).

Necessary information: Jordan has a King, Queen, and Royal Family.

The current king of Jordan is King Abdullah II. His wife is Queen Raina, who was on an episode of Oprah a few years ago talking about women's rights in Islam. Every Jordanian in the country LOVES the royal family. Seriously. There are pictures of them hung everywhere, especially in people's homes, anything government related and in car windows.

This one was in a town of 5000 people. And its about the 5000th one I've seen.

Every place of business is required BY LAW to have a picture of the king in their office. This affection for state leaders is obviously not held as highly in America.

Something tells me this isn't an official wanted poster. Where is his height and weight?

Not so in Jordan. There are still pictures EVERYWHERE of the late King Hussein, and he died nine years ago. Jordanians are smitten with the Royal Family, almost as badly as Americans are smitten with which prescribed teen pop star is blowing rails off a toilet seat in which LA club bathroom.

Edgy. And definitely important.

And why wouldn't you rock pictures of the king when I found ones like THIS:

He's only a lieutenant medical officer in this picture (you're welcome Mom and Fox)

The Royal Family is afforded every luxury. All the land in Jordan belongs to them, and the people that live on this land are their loyal subjects. Think about that. The exact thing Americans ran away from in 1776 is flourishing here. WHOA! Also, they own several palaces, dozens of cars, airplanes, helicopters, and a fleet of motorcycles, some of which are on the Jordanian currency.

In Jordan, they have a Mach 99!

Rollin wit .50. Sorry I like this picture alot.

The king was leader of the Jordanian Special Forces, and routinely hunts (with guns, FALCONS!!!!, and probably his bare hands), rock climbs, dune buggys, stock car races, and is basically a total badass. Who wouldn't love this guy, he's as tough as Teddy Roosevelt and as cool as Han Solo.

King Abdullah Solo II- "She's the fastest hunk of junk in the desert!"

And Queen Raina is a total babe. Way hotter than Sarah Palin. Possibly because of the vast amount of cheap Syrian plastic surgery that is a trend for young Jordanian girls here!

BAM! I just went from six to midnight...

Almost every street in Jordan is named after a member of the royal family, so there may be several thousand.

...

Blah blah blah I'm bored of this family. Here's some pics of our halloween party:

Render unto Caesar that which is Caesar's. Including Cupid (that's a bow on my shoulder).
In the words of Alison: "Cute."

A menorah. In a muslim country. At a highly raucous halloween party. I think the inappropriate vortex opened up outside my apartment at this point.

We told our landlady we had a lot of people coming, to which she said she was ok with. 45 minutes before the party started, she told us she was expecting 8 partygoers. Whoops.

Jordanian Football

2008-10-26T16:07:00.005+03:00

I decided in order not to be a total tubby-tutu I would participate in intramural indoor 5-on-5 football (soccer) here at the University of Jordan. For Team USA.

...

Needless to say, I had no idea what I was getting myself into.

When I moved into my apartment here, I met the landlady's son Yazin. He is 23 and supremely patriotic and westernized. I asked him about the local Jordanian football teams and if they were a big deal. His response (with a look of disgust and disbelief): "Of course, man. They are the only deal."

Fast forward to today. I get to the athletic complex for the Opening Ceremony. Yes, for intramural football. Luckily, being a patriot, I brought a full size American flag with me. So, Olympic-style, we walked out with the other teams we would be playing against and presented our flag in a formal ceremony. Here are the other teams in the league:

- Iraq
- Syria
- Somalia
- Lebanon
- Palestine
- Jordan
- Turkey

-America

Israeli support aside, at least my country has been responsible for loss of life in ONLY 3-4 of these countries, right? Silver lining.

I have never been booed harder in my life. Not even in high school CPS soccer games at schools like Prosser and Amundsen. Not at high school lacrosse games at Mather. Not even at Lindenwood.

Now, to be fair, I feel like it is trendy in this region to boo America and was not indicative of any actual wish to do harm to us jihadi-style or anything. The Lebanese team was openly nice to us, cheering in our section during our game and everything. They even taught our fans an Arabic football cheer, "No matter what you do, America shakes the world!" Fuck yeah!

Number 15 is about to shake up this kid's ankles.

There was only one guy who seemed vehemently against our team in the stands, but I feel like he was just playing to the crowd. Not that he even needed to. Somalia beat us in a clean game 10-1. I guess, in a sense, that whole Black Hawk Down incident was repaid a little today...

Our next game was the big one: America vs. Palestine. Jesus Christ, why don't we play Iraq, Nazi Germany, and Colonial Britain while we're at it...

The crowd for the game was insane. There were at least a dozen undercover secret police officers in the crowd, as well as campus security. Class was canceled so American students could cheer for our team. We already had a day to practice, as well as some new blood on the team, and we were feeling pretty confident. Then we saw the Palestinians warmup.

...

Three of their starting five play on either the PALESTINIAN or JORDANIAN NATIONAL TEAM. Unofficial odds put us as losing at least 15-0. We lost 9-2. The crowd went insane.

There is an 18% chance that this is a Team America goal...

We then played Syria and Lebanon, beating both teams in 4-1 and 3-1, respectively. The Syrians received surprisingly little support from the crowd. Unfortunately, our goal differential kept us out of the playoff bracket. But, our NGU (Never Give Up) attitude got us an article in the national paper! And a visit from the Lebanese Ambassador and other Lebanese dignitaries. FOR AN INTRAMURAL SOCCER GAME.

It really must be the only deal here...

This showing of fan appreciation was for the pre-game warmup...wow...

Reverse Arabic Lesson

2008-10-19T18:39:00.003+03:00

I learned a few hilarious things today. Since Arabic is a Semetic language, obviously there are a few words that sound like English words and are totally nowhere near the English meanings. This ain't Spanish folks, you can't just guess that the word for information is "informacion" and wind up nailing it. Because in Arabic, you'd be totally wrong, and the word for information is "maloumat."

It has taken me three years and put gray hairs on my head (literally) to just start seeing patterns in the most basic of words. To put it another way, Arabic is ranked the third hardest language for English-speaking Americans to learn by the U.S. government, outranked only by Chinese and Korean. This jibberish ain't easy.

But today I will share with you the few linguistic crossovers that make this language worth learning. When swear words mean things.

English -> Arabic

What the fuck- I got the job

Goddammit- I filled out the application

---

There are taxi drivers in Amman that are probably amazed with the amount of employment American students are locking down these days.

Arabic -> English

Kuntu- I was

fuqut- only, that's it

---

These two (especially the last one) brought me hours of entertainment in Beginning Arabic I & II.

Meeting The General

2008-10-15T18:19:00.005+03:00

The other week I had the pleasure of dining at my friend Ameerah's host parents house. To be frank, this is easily the nicest house I have ever been inside in my life. They are quite easily multi-millionaires (or millionaires x 1.4, thanks to the conversion rate). Their place is nicer than Black's house in Arizona. Nicer than the Highland's in Park Ridge. Almost as nice as Christina Loukas' house in Riverwoods, but they own the Cubby Bear.

Hey Cubs, did Steve Bartman make you lose this year too?

It's three stories, and they have their a fully stocked kitchen for each floor. The basement floor kitchen has living quarters for live-in cooks and housekeepers, which in Jordan's case means Egyptians or Philippinos (or in American terms, Mexicans). They have a rug that was once a living African leopard. PETA apparently has no pull in the third world.

Anyway, the coolest part is Ameerah's host dad, who we refer to as "The General." He held the second-highest rank in the Jordanian army (like a four-star general) and was the superior officer to the current King Abdullah II, who had to salute him and call him sir. He was close friends with the former King Hussein as well. He's like the Jordanian version of Eisenhower.

Not pictured: Production Value.

He lives in our Christian neighborhood and is an Evangelical Christian. He and his brother are currently building a gigantic church a few blocks away. Apparently it's fashionable to build megachurches as a rich Jordanian Christian, because half our neighborhood is involved in projects like this.

They held a fundraiser for the church and invited their family and friends (which in Jordan means at least 200 people) and raised 40,000 JD IN AN HOUR. That's $56,000, or $933 per minute. Sick.

His baller status doesn't end there. He has been to 45 countries, usually for diplomatic and military conferences. He was elected to Jordanian Parliament which is no easy feat in a corrupt, third-world country. It would be like getting elected in, oh, I don't know...America.

Not really relevant, I just thought it looked cool.

He also loves America, which is a trend I've been noticing among Jordanians that have actually been there. He gave me an awesome quote that I feel best sums America up, at least compared to Jordan: "America is a country for the man, where in most of the rest of the world, the man is for the country." And Europe is strict (unflexible) and rude. TREATED.

U-S-A! U-S-A!

Disturbing things I have seen

2008-10-04T22:05:00.009+03:00

Here are a few things I have bore witness to since I have been here. These are bizarre by Jordanian standards, so therefore they are probably exponentially more bizarre for everyone in America.

- When staying in a legit Bedouin camp (4 tents in the middle of the desert an hour away from any town), a rogue camel decided to invade the camp in the middle of the night and tried to enter some fellow campers tent. The 60-year-old Bedouin camp owner then chased the camel into the desert in the dark, beating the piss out of it and kicking it in the butt.

- Seeing a grown man board a public bus holding a hacksaw.

- A group of 8-10 year olds yelling "MARAJUANA!" at a group of us walking down the street, then running away laughing hysterically.

- Seeing this:

Seriously.

-A gypsy camp less than a block away from my apartment. When I asked a neighbor about them, she said "Oh yes, if you go and talk to them, they will try to eat you."

-A perfect example of American cultural imperialism:

Wait for it...

Of course...

- Hearing Avril Lavigne over the sound system while lifting in the nicest health club in Amman (For those who remember parties at Studio 59 years ago, they were "He Wasn't" and "Things I'll Never Say"). Also: "Same Girl" by R. Kelly & Usher played today at a coffee shop I was at, and I almost exploded.

-This was in a shop window on Rainbow Street:

Brett Favre even haunts me and my Bears overseas.

-A bus driver with one eye.

-No fire hydrants ANYWHERE.

-This guy:

Workin' Hard. Or a possible ambulance.

-And this creepshow:

Hide your children!

Haram!

2008-09-27T10:17:00.003+03:00

Look what we did:

We are the "kids" they refer to.

Hahahaha. Oops.

Southern Jordan, Petra

2008-09-24T04:26:00.002+03:00

Day 3: Petra

Let me preface this by saying: Petra is too amazing to be understood in digital picture format. It's older than anything in the United States (300 BC). As for a little background you might understand: Do you remember Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade? The one with Sean Connery? Remember when Indiana is riding his horse through the valley at the end to find the temple with the Holy Grail in it? That's Petra.

You roll up to this hilly little town, very reminiscent of Tijuana, Mexico. The first thing I see walking up to the entrance is this...

Not Pictured: Intelligent Humor

After assembling our tour group, we learn that most of the buildings and other structures in Petra are either tombs for ancient Nebeteans or homes. So, being sentimental, I poured one out for my Nebetean brothaz.

One Love.

Then after seeing MORE GODDAMN CATS EVERYWHERE, we walked through the siiq (or crack) that Harrison Ford rode his horse through. It was pretty intense, as there was horsey landmines all over the place.

Charming.

After seeing some crazy carvings on the walls-

Yes, I am wearing Illinois Lacrosse gear. And my GWAR hat.

We saw the TEMPLE OF THE HOLY GRAIL (real name: the Treasury)

It smelled like pee pee. Weird.

So that was cool. We walked around the place some more and got hassled by every man, woman, and child for camel rides, donkey rides, horse rides, necklaces, bracelets, curvy daggers (they sucked, believe me I checked), postcards, even ROCKS. They would promise me everything was 1 JD, and after inquiring price would magically jump to 7 JD!

Literally 5 seconds after I took this, the baby ate a cigarette butt.

We walked around Petra all day, seeing all the different tombs, monasteries, theatres, caves, Byzantine churches, Roman ruins and all flavors of animal feces. The place is gigantic, and we didn't even see half of it in one day. I'll probably go back at some point, at least to see where Moses's brother Aaron is buried.

I got bored.

All in all, Petra is mindblowing. The only thing I had ever been too that ancient was the pyramid in Mexico, but that was never in AN INDIANA JONES MOVIE!!!

See me? I'm on the left.

That's the end for the weekend trip to southern Jordan. So after this its back to mediocre jingoist social commentary...

Southern Jordan, Aqaba

2008-09-24T03:41:00.002+03:00

Day 2

Upon awakening, we ate breakfast and hopped into 4x4's to go across the desert and follow the Lawrence of Arabia trail. This unmarked desert path was the route Lawrence of Arabia took when he led the uprising in Aqaba, Jordan's port city on the Red Sea. It was pretty awesome, for being in a desert. All the once-in-a-lifetime sights start running together after a while, you know?

Wow, another mountain.

After 4 hours in the trucks, we arrived in Aqaba. Aqaba is now a resort town in Jordan, popular among Europeans (especially Portuguese for some reason). We got to go out on tour boats and snorkel among the Red Sea reefs while our boat captains blasted Arabic house music. I saw some cool fish, a submerged Army tank (WTF?), and got a lot of saltwater in my eyes.

The Aqaba coast

The flag of the Arab Revolt, which led to the founding of Jordan. Also is used as the Palestinian flag...no comment

After a few hours in the water, we went back to shore and drove north to Wadi Mussa (Moses Valley), to yet another Bedouin campsite in preparation for the next big day: Petra.

Southern Jordan, Wadi Rum

2008-09-20T22:36:00.002+03:00

Warning: The following post may not be very funny, and probably more like a boring "MY SUMMER VACATION" Blog. Sorry in advance. Actually, its not boring, so go fuck yourself (sorry for swearing Mom).

Day 1

We took a bus to Wadi Rum (Rum Valley), and I was forced to buy $15 batteries. I was pissed.

Forget about the scenery, $15 FOR BATTERIES!!?!?!

After eating a ridiculously huge Middle Eastern lunch (complete with assaulting horseflies), we saw some lame museum and a lame video. LAME. Then I saw off in the distance...

Aw yeah. Camel time.

Most of the camels looked like a bunch of chumps, but not mine. She had a sheen to her coat and a gorgeous face. I thought she was a boy at first, so I named her "Dutch" in honor of Arnold Schwarzenegger's character in "The Predator". Then my friend Ameerah checked under the hood and it turns out she was a girl, so I named her Princess Sparkle.

What a majestic creature.

We got to ride around in the desert for a while. Camels are ornery animals, and some of them were braying and being emo pretty much all the time. They sounded like Taun-tauns in the Empire Strikes Back. And they smell like poo poo. But Princess Sparkle was awesome and I got to grab the reins and ride her on my own for about a half hour.

So after the 3-hour camel ride (three people hilariously fell off), and my own stunning realization that I am a camel whisperer (I swear they all do what I say, its unreal), we got to our Bedouin campsite.

Bedouins are nomadic hunter-herders that travel all over the deserts in the Middle East. And after meeting some of them, they are amazing people. When they aren't traveling with their camels and horses, shooting rifles (and desecrating historical sites, more on that later), hunting with falcons, and living off the desert like Rambo, they are drinking and dancing and partying. Way cooler than all the WIENER Muslims during BORING Ramadan.

We got the real deal at the campsite- bonfire, hookah, full meal, Bedouin dancing, singing, and storytelling. Then we got to go run around in the desert in the middle of the night. It was awesome. I slept in the open under the stars in the sands of the Wadi. All you losers in Champaign probably went to Firehaus for the 8000000th time and "drank so fuckin much dude!". HA! Eat my bird.

Ew

2008-09-07T12:14:00.001+03:00

Cats are like goddamn squirrels here in Amman. There may have been squirrels once, but I'm pretty sure the cats ate them all. These aren't your friendly, Homeward Bound Sassy-types. These cats are mangy, tough, frightening little bastards that jump out of dumpsters at you. And they are EVERYWHERE.

Picture this, except on every corner.

For those who don't know, I despise cats. Allergies aside, they suck as pets and for some Freudian evolutionary concept I still can't figure out, act like their owners (i.e. THE PEOPLE THAT KEEP THEM ALIVE AND FED) aren't important.

F THAT NOISE.

Dogs love you for your hospitality and protect families, save drowning children, detect CANCER in people, and are generally awesome at all times. Cats get fat and occasionally bring you a "gift" in the form of a dead bird. And they shit inside, and that is just plain rude.

There is no way this isn't Satan.

There are entire books written about famous dogs that save people, dial 911, detect mines and hidden VC during Vietnam, find drugs, and are beneficial to society. And then there's Garfield. I rest my case.

Addendum: Kittens are fine, because they're cute and stupid and aren't really cats yet.

Ramadan Sucks

2008-09-07T11:57:00.004+03:00

So the dream that was constant internet at my apartment evaporated this weekend. I have been relegated to a computer lab in the Langauge Center on the University of Jordan campus for the time being. So check every hour on the hour for new posts Mom and Dad!

Ramadan is in full swing here. Everyone on the street, especially security guards and taxi drivers, are especially grumpy because they are hungry, thirsty, and can't smoke cigarettes during the day. Drag.

This translates into tense, awkward exchanges between American students and taxi drivers when arguing over cab fare, especially at night. The cabbies use meters here, but meters are illegally turned off after 10:00 PM and the ripoff-fest begins. What is usually a 2 JD trip doubles or even triples (if you're a chump).

My roommate Joey drunkenly argued with a cabbie in Arabic two nights ago outside a nightclub who tried to charge us 10 JD. Joey has taken only one year of Arabic, which eventually backslid into swearing at local Jordanians in English, which was hilarious.

I have also found out that, like in Mexico (and I would assume all third-world countries), being American = being rich. The idea of the starving college student here is as foreign as the idea of non-white Americans (seriously, black people are still just black people here, not African Americans, and all Asians are Chinese). I have been shortchanged three times already, which really does wonders for my opinion of the people. Which is to say: Ramadan Sucks.

Random Jordanian Fact of the Day: In traditional Islam, dogs are seen as "dirty creatures." Cats, however, are spared this connotation (possibly because they kill rodents and scorpions and eat the souls of children). Both can lick their own balls, which you would think conservative Muslims would frown upon.

Anyway, I live in an affluent Christian neighborhood, and everyone has at least two dogs. It is a point of pride for them as well, kind of a badge of non-Islam and, in my opinion, one of the best cultural benchmarks of the Western World.

This is Don. He is six weeks old. I am not lying, he is barely a puppy and can knock me down.

Amman got humps, possibly lady lumps

2008-08-27T06:28:00.002+03:00

Amman is built on seven hills (or thirteen, thanks to refugee expansion due to the war in Iraq. Thank your family for me, Neda). Although I have been outside the midwest and experienced that thing the rest of the world knows as "elevation," living in a hilly, third-world city has already taken its toll on me in the form of two rolled ankles. DUHHHHH!

The program has been relatively structured so far, and aside from the resident director telling me I'm going to be in "special housing" (she insinuated a basement apartment with a little window and some kind of crushing motion), everything has been entertaining and educational. Edu-tational. So, basically its been pretty lame. The city tour was cool though.

Some things I've seen:

-Parts of the Dead Sea Scrolls claiming Jesus was a hermaphrodite (kidding)
-Temple of Hercules, ruined
-Roman Amphitheatre

Feed the Christian to the lions!

-Byzantine Church, ruined
-King Hussein Mosque (for the nerds: its an Umayyad Mosque with a hidden sound system behind the wood paneling and seating (or squatting?) space for 5000)
-Amman Children's Museum
-Royal Automobile Museum

The royal family will get its own post later, because they are easily the most ballin-est family in the country. How baller, do you ask? The kids had their own BMW motorcycles by age 9. And they stock-race competitively. And hold national records for cross-country racing.

Rollin wit .50's

Imagine Dale Earnhardt Sr., Travis Pastrana, Brad Pitt, and Warren Buffet as one person. That was the late King Hussein.

Random Jordanian Fact of the Day: Jordan has a secret police. They are everywhere; driving around, disguised as beggars as well as civilians. They speak PERFECT English, and apparently they stopped at least one terrorist plot last May to blow up a Catholic Church. So thanks to former Egyptian President Nasser (and indirectly, Stalin and Khrushchev) the Jordanian KGB are my friends. YAY TOTALITARIANISM!

Touchdown

2008-08-27T06:09:00.002+03:00

Hey mom, I'm alive. The wireless internet in Jordan is...surprise! Really crappy! Although available (allegedly) on the University of Jordan's campus, the only other places its available are nice hotels and internet cafes. And only sometimes. And Skype (the program I use to phone home) is blocked on random occasions by the Jordanian internet provider because its not making them any money.

The best part of the 12 hour flight was the complimentary breakfast.

Little hash browns. F*ck yes.

The worst were the DOZENS OF SCREAMING CHILDREN, especially the two bastards behind me whom I affectionately named "Walter" and "Marcus."

Little brown Hashemites. I hate you.

When we were getting off the plane, the one on the left said, "That flight was very long. I hated it." I almost had a brain aneurysm. At least I got duty free alcohol at the airport (two HANDLES of Jameson for $20 each!). Gotta stock up for Ramadan...

Jordanians use Monopoly Money

2008-08-23T02:09:00.001+03:00

These are hilarious. I hope the hundred dinar note is purple, cause that would be straight balla. Phat-nasty American Benjamins would get bitched out by Jordanian chedda.

I couldn't decide if "$" was appropriate, and there's no funky "D" with lines through it or anything, so I'm gonna go with JD for Jordanian Dinars. Anyway, the 10 JD bill is very blue, I believe Parker Bros. are gonna be pissed.

Test Post

2008-08-04T01:51:00.002+03:00

I'm sitting at home in Chicago testing this nonsense out.

I had to think really hard whether or not I was going to blog while in Jordan.

Thought process:

Pros

-My parents can know I'm alive
-Everyone can see pictures without dealing with facebook
-I could actually remember everything that happened and not send out a ridiculous story email when I get back. Grisko.
-I can make fun of people at home (for everyone's amusement) and have 6000 miles between me and an ass beating

Cons

-Blogs are lame as hell

So...Turns out I would rather let everyone read my insightful postings and look at places they will never see than be cool. Whatever.